dust

What I want to say for this Blip:

I am not a fan of studying or of tests. Tomorrow, I take my final. I am so bad at this school thing--I don't mean the grades, just the discipline, the focusing. How does one change horses midstream without disrupting all those around you? It may be impossible now. I have no motivation: zero. Or as the French say: zero. I am lazy, I am gaining weight, I am complaining too much. In a few days, I'll be in Denver, whether I pass this test or not. Then it's back to the mountain of books that stack ever higher around me. For another huge test in December. I'm in way too deep now. Since I cannot turn back, it would at least be nicer if I could just keep going forward, but only at a much slower pace. Slow and steady wins the race, right? Not sure how to scale things back. I try to find solace in other things, but even my hobbies are all clouded by the lurking sensations of speed and frustration.

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What I will really say for this Blip:

I had a good day and got a lot done. I feel pretty confident about my test tomorrow, and about life in general. I mean, I'm not feeling cocky or anything, just comfortable in my knowledge and in myself. I have a solid faith and belief in how things will be carried out, about where my plans are taking me. I also managed to get some reading done today, another book checked off the list for the comps exam coming up at the end of this year. I am really looking forward to completing that portion of my studies. It's nice to be able to pursue these great works, these words. I am learning so much. I am learning so much, about things and about myself.

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What I came back to edit for this Blip:

One year ago my friend Ryan passed away from spinal cancer. I miss him, I miss those days. Today, I am pretty ungrateful. Tonight, I will study hard. I will refocus, re-prioritize. I will hug Leah. I will live with my choices. I will live.