Ifs and butts......

Yesterday, I witnessed a bit of a spat between these two west of Scotland children. To be honest, both of them could benefit from some grammar and elocution lessons but here's how their conversation went....

Oi! Bawbag! Hiv yoo goat ma' ba'?

Naw ah hivnae. Goat ma' ain, hivn' ah!

Aye stoap kidding oan, ah know yi've went aff wi' mines. Ma nan seen ye!

Yoor nan's aye bloo'urd. She couldnae see nu'hin righ' in fronty ur kissur! Noo away n raffle yersel' ya bass, afore ah pit ra heid oan ye!

(For the benefit of non-Glaswegians I have put in a translation below.)

I say old chap, do you perchance have my ball?

No. I don't. I have my own, do I not?

Kindly don't tease, I'm perfectly well aware that you have purloined mine. My grandmother witnessed the event!

Your grandmother is frequently under the influence of alcohol - she couldn't focus on anything that's right in front of her face. Now off you go, you terrible chap, before I'm forced to assault you by hitting your nose with my forehead!