Lakeside Lodges

Stalker and I popped to the Boat House coffee hut for ice cream, and I got a nice shot of the lodges. Not so nice for the inhabitants apparently is the smell of swan poop!

Tomorrow it will be 2 years, and this evening the three boys came down and are staying overnight. 
It has been a hard week, nothing I can explain, just a heightened sense of anxiety and being near to snapping point. When I got home I put the film on and had a good cry!

Looking back, this year has been even harder than the first one. When this notion first hit me a few weeks ago, I really felt like a failure, but this week, two different people, without any prompting, have told me that they had felt their second year was hardest, so maybe it’s ok. 

I am used to living on my own, I am used to being alone, but what I’m not used to is thinking for just me. Take that garden table and chairs I fixated on getting in early spring. I do not like them! I’ve no idea what I was thinking, having to have one that was big enough for an annual ‘do’, one that  I could eat at. It’s way too big for the courtyard, and because I just don’t like it, I rarely sit out there any more. I was not thinking of what I needed or even wanted, my brain was still thinking for two. 

I’ve no idea what the next year brings, I want to move on, find some pleasure in my life instead of just existing day to day, but then again I don’t want to ‘move on’ because I guess that means acceptance, and I’m not sure that’s even possible.