Hamming it up for the camera

Ronnie's selection of the Christmas ham usually takes no more than a minute. 
But today he instinctively sensed that he had an audience.
He went all out, for an Oscar-winning performance. For eight minutes filled with suspense, plot twists and an achingly beautiful ending (can't say no more, no spoiler alerts here my friends!) he looked lovingly at the piece of ham, caressed it softly, held it up to his enamoured eyes, weighted it with both hands and very nearly put it back on the shelf when he felt a nascent turgescence bringing consternation within his Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer novelty boxer shorts, in direct contradiction with his catholic upbringing when erections in public places were very much frowned upon. 
He held his piece of ham the way Gollum would of the ring of power. He whispered sweet little nothings to it. He looked at the wet cured porcine cut of meat the way Emory Cohen looks at Saoirse Ronan in Brooklyn.
Then slowly, very slowly, but decidedly, very decidedly, he took the object of his desire to the till, paid and disappeared into the night.
 
I feel privileged to have not only witnessed but also captured this beautiful moment. 
Let's call it my Christmas present to you all (except perhaps my Muslim, Jewish and vegetarian/vegan friends, I am working on a less porky alternative for you guys).