Entirely predictable.....

It's that time again, when I do your Horrorscopes for the coming year. (Actually I do about half, until I get bored/forget/have too many seasonal sherries...)

Please don't complain if you don't like my predictions. I'm merely the instrument through which the runes/stars/tarot cards/rhubarb gins speak.

So this year, we are starting with...

Aries: You have been secretly in love with your downstairs neighbour for years, and this July, you will make a huge impression on him.

(Sadly it's only because you fall out of your bedroom window, landing splat on top of him practising his nude yoga in the garden. His bits will be in splints for a year, but at least you can honestly say that at last.....he's fallen for you.)


Cancer: A chance meeting with Donald Trump in PetWorld (he's buying fresh straw for his heid) leads to you buying the Panama Canal, purely to annoy him.
You're not sure where you're going to put it - but that's not half as problematic as what you're going to do with Canada....