Santa just stopped by...I had to send him away.

I am not feeling it this year. 

Just two years ago on this very night, Katie, Kerri, and I, were about two hours into an unplanned diatribe about growing up with eachother.

Two years ago we fell into a video call. It was the three of us. 

We had no agenda, no time frame, no expectations, no goals, just a holiday catch up conversation to enjoy. 

It was amazing. 
It was profound. 
It was magical. 
It was one of the best events in my life.

Now that I think about it, 2 of the top 3 most indelible experiences of my life happened with Katie and Kerri. 

This other time, Giko, Squeeks, Pops, Katie, Kerri and I, we were all together, someplace up in the mountains of Norcal.

In celebration of Gikos 17th birthday, we were shooting the rapids. 

The day before, however, we got wet in an entirely different kind of way. 

It couldnt have been any later than 3 pm by the time we sat down at a bar and grill patio table and ordered our first round of drinks. 

Not sure what time it was when we started.
Not sure what time it was when we stopped.
I am very sure we had a lot of tequila.
I am very sure dad was acting like he just hit puberty and couldnt stop gusing with lovey dovey talk on the phone with his wife. He was so lit he started crying out of love and affection. 

People have always teased me about seeming to be gay but now you know where my emotional register comes from. 

I remember getting back to the hotel. 
I remember walking directly through the lobby.
I remember having the best pee of my life, fully clothed, standing in that warm water, mountain chilled air on my face.

I remember shouting, exuberantly, to everyone within ear shot how amazing it felt to pee in a pool fully dressed!!!
 
That next morning was a really ruff one for me. I woke up in my own vomit. 
I woke up intoxicated.
I woke up with the world spinning much faster than usual.
I woke up and immediately threw up.
I woke up and after hurling, I just curled up. 

Trip was a prepay situation so backing out was not an option. On the bus ride up to the launch ramp of the river I was still curled up on the stack of life jackets. 

Transitioning from bus to beach took a lifetime, but once I hit that sand, that warm, warm, sun soaked sand, curling up in those conditions felt like being in a 5-star resort.

Wishing I was dead, the guide directed me to the front left position and we were off.

Couldn't have been more then 2 minutes later when we hit our first named rapid. The raft took a nose dive and a tsunami of ice water loomed large, encroaching on the entire raft. 

Maybe it was the alcohol or general stupidity. I stood up and widened my stance as broadly as possible.

Every last drop of that deluge was soaked up by my dehydrated, hungover, alcohol addled body.

"I took that hit for the team!" I shouted, as the rogue wave washed over me leaving only sprinkles to trickle onto my sibs and dad.

I think I just spent the last two hours writing this because I do not want to address the first part but here goes. 

To remind you, prior to the rafting story, I was sharing this amazing connection my sisters and I had catching up, talking about the good old days.

Katie's pc camera was broken. We couldn't see her. It was always broken. It had been broken for some time. Quite some time, actually.

Not that it matters, but, I guess that camera problem was not anything more serious than a piece of tape. 

This is all moot because Katie is dead. Kerri and I, I think, are crawling in our own skins right now.

I am 3 hours invested into this installment. I have a lot to say and nothing to say about Katie. So I am going to ask you some questions. 

Where are you?
What do you do? 
Can you feel.anything?
Do you miss me? 
Did ypu love me as much as Kerri?
Why were mean to me?
How come we had such a tumultuous relationship?
What should I know about Kerri that she will never tell me herself but I should be aware of?
How do I help Kerri keep you alive in a healthy way? 
If you can communicate with me, please do not let me unintentionally fuck up when Kerri and I talk about you.
I am very scared. I don't like feeling this way. Why didn't ypu let us know sooner? 
How could.you have been so callouse about your medical situation?
All the times you borrowed money or had me pay your bills, did you ever intend to pay me back? 
What happened with you.and Eggburt? 
Did you know the first time you brought him to dad's, when he and I played basketball, he kept squeezing my "moobs" (man boobs) and telling me how fat i was.

He said over and over, again and again, that i was the fattest kid he had ever seen. 

I remember visiting you in San Francisco by myself. I drove up to the city by myself for the very first time. That was a milestone event and I am only realizing it right now.

What's worse than that is you will never know we shared a milestone of mine. I imagine you were probably part of a few milestones. 

I miss you and I wish I didn't. 

I love you, and I wish I didn't. 

I only spent a little bit of time with you but I didn't. 

I wanted to be as close to you as you were with Kerri but I didn't. 

I didn't do a lot of things in the past, in my life, in general, when I could have acted, I didn't.  

I spite mom to spite you but I am only spiting myself. I am entirely to blame for what I have and have not done in my life.

I wish you were alive so I could call you right now. Even though it's 3:40 am in Korea and 8:40pm your time, you would be awake and you would love this conversation. 

I know you well enough to know that.

Kerri, you have always been my best friend and I am going to show it. I want to write to you through snail mail. 

I just miss you. I miss family. I have you and Mia. Mike and Nick keep me at arms length and that's smart for them to do that. 

Ok blipfoto....have your way with me. What happens next?