Jack Reacher

The 80's are back.  Jump back!  Par-tay to the max!  Where's the beef?!  Greed is good!  If you see Sid, tell him!  Etc!

And I am absolutely ready for the 80's this time.  This time I'm getting it right.  This time I am NOT buying a snood or that Frankie album.  And I will definitely be going to see all those awesome action movies featuring the biggest stars of the decade.  Stallone in Bullet To The Head!  Schwarzenegger in The Last Stand!  Willis in A Good Day To Die Hard!  It is like all that stupid flouncing about in The Matrix never happened.

And then there is "Jack Reacher".  The best 80's cheesefest made in the twenteens I have ever seen.  How cheesy is it?  Hilariously!  Tom Cruise gets to deliver lots of toe-curling action movie hero star lines.  They tend to be made up of short and punchy sentences.  One verb/one noun kind of deals, like this.

TOM:  I'm just a man.  With a gun.  With a gun and nerves of steel.  I don't take crap.  Because I'm a man.

I should emphasise that this is not an actual line from the movie, but the real thing is just as corny.  At one point he threatens to kill someone and "drink your blood from a boot" which made me choke on my popcorn.  (SPOILER ALERT:  He never actually does this.)

Tom's scenes with Rosamund Pike are hilarious.  They deliver lines to each other about ONE INCH FROM EACH OTHER'S FACE like they are having a nose-fencing tournament or trying to identify what the other ate for lunch based on their breath alone.  If I talked to people like that in the office I'm sure a restraining order trauma debacle situation would ensue inside an hour.

Rosamund's cleavage gives a sterling performance.  I'd never really noticed it before, but it's all over the place in this movie.  She delivers all her lines in an intense, breathy whisper.  Like she is about to reach a sexual climax, but is concerned about world hunger at the same time.  Meanwhile, Tom delivers his punchy short sentences in response.

ROSAMUND:  Jack... oh Jack... It's all too dangerous, you're putting your life into terrible danger.
TOM:  That's right.  But trouble follows me.  I'm just lucky, I guess.
ROSAMUND:  I just don't know Jack.  There's terrible danger all around, and you're very brave to face such danger, cleavage cleavage.
TOM:  I guess so.  I have nerves of steel and balls to match.  And I'm guessing you had chicken in a basket for lunch.

If I'm making the film sound bad, let me just add that I really enjoyed it.  But you people know how I feel about dumb action films.  I'm one of the few people who actually owns a copy of "Hudson Hawk"  starring Bruce Willis, and have even watched it.  So how could I not love "Jack Reacher" - a film which features bad guys being given the bash, guns going BLAM! and big engined cars going VAAAA-rooom!  It is like global warming never happened!  Ha ha ha!  Suck it, natural habitat of polar bears!

How you may feel about all of this depends on how willing you are to just sit back and enjoy the ride.  If you take any of it remotely seriously you are in for a bad time.  So do try not to go to the cinema with anyone who lives in reality.  Go with someone from THE EIGHTIES.  And wake me up before you go go.