The Elm Street Sequels

I did it.  I watched them all.   Here's my potted guide to the collected Elm Street nightmares, which at least have the benefit of requiring very little brain so you can do other things while they're on without missing much, like doing a crossword or reading a book or popping out to see an entirely different film.

Dream Warriors - Heather Langenkamp from part 1 returns to the series.  Heather's character is now working in an institution for children disturbed by dreams of Freddy.  Naturally, all adults are useless and say things like, "Oh, you just need a good night's sleep" somehow managing to ignore the fact that the kids have a habit of waking up dead and condemning them to Death by Horlicks.  But Heather is nothing if not determined (also a really REALLY horrible actress) and so she manages to organise the kids to take Freddy on.  This film is commonly regarded as the best sequel which has to be due to the imaginative murders (the marionette one is really rather mean) rather than the acting or silly climax.  It also features a Ray Harryhausen type skeleton so points for that.  5/10

The Dream Master - Begins with Freddy resurrected by a dog peeing Satanic weewee on his grave*.  There's this chick who has the power to pull people into her dreams, providing Freddy with fresh fodder, but she also takes on their "essence" after he carves them up.  This allows her to challenge him in the by-now standard and unconvincing "Freddy Begone!" climax.  3/10

* Other Freddy-resurrecting devices considered were, "Squirrels Burying Evil Nuts", "Gardener Planting Demonic Marigolds" or "Bored Screenwriter Picks Idea At Random".

The Dream Child - Chick from previous film is preggers and Freddy finds a way to manipulate the dreams of her unborn sprog to enter reality again.  Fortunately, Freddy's mum's ghost is also around to offer helpful advice.  Bland teens and bouncing rubbery babies abound but by this stage we're just going through the motions, and the murders are just completely bloody stupid.  1/10

Freddy's Dead - I hope you weren't attached to anyone from the previous films as they are all DEAD.  Wuh-ha-ha!!  In this one, the adults of Freddy's home town have all gone bonkers due to all their kids being squished.  The last remaining teen of Elm Street is allowed to leave so that he may inadvertently bring back more victims.  The last 30 minutes of the film were originally in 3D so everything gets thrown at the screen and you discover that it's not Freddy at all, but silly wriggly plasticine wormy things that have been to blame the whole time.  Which is a bit unsatisfying. 2/10

New Nightmare - Heather is back, playing herself.  She's been asked to appear in one last Elm Street film written by Wes Craven playing himself.  It turns out that some Ancient Evil (playing itself) has decided to take on the incarnation of Freddy and is trying to escape into reality via the script which Wes is writing as Heather lives it.  It's all a bit Charlie Kaufman and so you have to give it points for that.  However, you then have to deduct points for Heather's acting which hasn't so much "matured" as "festered".  Also, the focus of the nightmares this time is her child who - and I'm being kind here - is a bug-eyed shrieky little irritant that you'll want to place a bucket over.  Robert Englund is good, both as himself and as Freddy, but he's hardly in it, and the "new" nightmare make-up looks like a silly fright mask.  5/10

Freddy vs Jason - This is more like it!  It's REALLY bloomin stupid.  But it moves fast (the explanation for how the lads met up and came back to life is over and done with in 3 minutes flat) and even the acting is better this time around.  It's almost like the teen actors are in on the joke this time.  Improved make-up and effects, dollops of humour and a lot of action help a lot.  Plus - and it may seem weird to say this - but this is the first movie since the original Elm Street where you get the sense that Freddy is A VERY BAD MAN - as opposed to previous movies in which he was relegated to Bloke Who Capers About Going Wuh-Ha-Ha.  This director quite clearly likes his subjects and presents them in the best (backlit and shadowy) possible light.  I feel dirty saying it, but I enjoyed this one.  It's such a shame that a Freddy vs Jason vs Ash movie was only ever a rumour.  7/10