scared

today my confidence and my security took a blow.

i didnt get this assistantship i really wanted at boston college. it makes me feel inadequate. it makes me feel i cant do what i want to do. i felt personally invested in my application for this position. because its my passion. its what i want to do. my soul feels slightly bruised.

now that i type this i sound awfully dramatic.

ha.

i think it all runs deeper than that. its the fear of failing. this fear of constantly wandering and searching. i wonder if anyone ever feels settled. or are we all always drifting, insecure, clinging to the closest thing we can and watching it slip through our fingers. the things are always slipping through our fingers.

i normally have this firm foundation. this hope. a hope that transcends our worldly passions, desires, needs, failings, etc. but i think in my blatant disobedience i somehow have to forfeit that hope. like, its the only honest thing to do. and so i find myself like everyone else. wandering.

i hope i dont forfeit grace as well. i hope grace runs deeper than my stupidity, my human flesh, my immediate gratification. i think it must. and yet. when you know better - there has to be consequences.

sigh. currently listening to "make it till monday" by the verve.

this photo is more appropriate than i could have imagined.