Betweens IVFs (again) day 26

This is my IVF diary. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for nearly four years now, and have a diagnosis of 'unexplained infertility'. We have finally reached the top of the waiting list for IVF - a form of assisted conception. I'm blogging about what happens as it happens, as a kind of therapy for me and as an awareness raising exercise of what IVF is all about.

This weekend I’ve been away at the Rewind 80s music festival. I went completely off-grid for four days. It was awesome. I’ve been glad to have this in my diary to look forward to and that has helped me stay positive and get through the last negative result and get on with normal life.

I am finding things fine at the moment and am expecting to be able to check in for my next cycle within the week.

But I’m not one for counting my blessings. Sorry, it’s not my way.

"Dear everyone who is stressed, You aren't. Look at your life - if you have health then everything else is decoration. I know jobs, kids (or not), partners, houses, traffic, salary, weather and holidays can be stressful - but if you and your loved ones are healthy then STOP - take a breath and smile - and realise that life is pretty good."

I really could have don’t without the above quote from a friend on my Facebook feed whilst I was on the way to the IVF clinic to get what I suspected would be (and was) my second negative IVF result.

For some reason ‘count your blessings’ pushes my buttons. I had a counsellor once that tried to get me to count my blessings as a therapeutic tool. I couldn’t get my head round it, all I hear when someone says ‘count your blessings’ is ‘quit your whinging you selfish cow’. I understand the point of count your blessings, but I don’t need to gain perspective. When I’m in this position I have perspective and I still feel shit.

I find being told that my concerns are of limited relevance pretty offensive. I don’t think it is fair of someone who isn’t me to minimise my pain. Which in the case of infertility is considerable, and prolonged. This is one of the reasons that I don’t feel like I can tell people in my real life about infertility or IVF, because I’m scared they’ll tell me to shut up and man up. Because I’m scared they’ll judge me harshly. Because I’m scared they’ll tell me I should be grateful for what I’ve got. Plus I know that I am lucky in many many ways, so maybe they are right. Which just makes me feel very very bad about myself.