restless

id like to be in a a place like this. a quiet little sanctuary. i realize that changing my surroundings wont change my heart. but it might help. at least a little.

sad to think of where i once was in writing these blips and where i find myself now. too tired to even write anything. too drained to even take photos.

i feel just broken. and lonely. and i am trying to remember the truths i know to be true. i just feel like a child right now. wandering aimlessly.

"our hearts are restless until we rest in thee." or so st. augustine said one day. how right he was.

i wish i could rest in what i know to be the only true rest. i want it now. before i didnt. these days im tired of the imitations. i just feel too weak, and to be honest, i dont even know where to begin anymore. prayer i suppose.

i remember now that in my darkest hour one friend told me to pray the jesus prayer when i had no other words to utter and no strength to lift myself out of the miry muck. i used to say it without ceasing. i couldnt breathe without the words on my tongue or my breath faltered.

i see the difference between then and now. then i was broken and knew i was broken and i also knew my only source of redemption. now im broken and barely recognizing it and trying to remember what redemption even is, and that i need it.

so here goes, like air in the lungs: lord jesus christ have mercy on me a sinner.