Only 53 miles but a world away

Its a hot sunny beautiful day in Amman today, like everyday. Its pretty quiet, people are laughing, working and going on through their days like usual. Meanwhile, less than 55 miles away are the two main boarders from Jordan to Syria. The UN announced that every 1 in 12 people in Jordan now are Syrian. I had my first experience with the two Syrian refugees today. A man in his early 30's and his adorable 4 year old daughter...it broke my heart!

One my way home from class/getting my visa renewed with several people from school I was walking up to my apartment building with some groceries in my hand (of course, cause isn't that always the way these sad experiences work out to then make you feel even more awful) and a man was sitting on the curb across the street with his little girl. The man had a big duffle bag and the little girl had a tiny backpack. Thats it! I thought little of it and assumed he was one of the workers that has been doing construction on the building across the street.

The man said yelled, "MarHaba" (Hello) at me and I said it back and smiled. He then said, "Syria?" I thought he was telling me I looked like a Syrian or something because people will often think that foreigners are from anywhere based off of a tiny characteristic, the color of your hair, your cloths, etc. I laughed and said no and smiled again. He quickly started to get up and walk towards me with his daughter following quickly behind. I looked at the bags again, saw how dirty they both looked and the ripped cloths and immediately dawned on me..."Oh god, they are from Syria!"

He was kind and gentle. Pushy because he has to be but not rude at all. He spoke no english and neither did his little daughter. It was terribly sad! We spoke in the little Arabic I know so far and he pulled out his Syrian papers to prove to me that he is Syrian. I wanted to help so badly I couldn't stand it because it is such a horrific case in Syria and I have been studying it. I know the horrible details of what is happening and now there was this nice man that looked exhausted and ragged explaining that his family was still in Syria and dead and he needs money for his little girl.

All I wanted to do was give them everything. Offer them my apartment, buy them food, give him a job, get her in school and welcome them into my home. I couldn't do any of it. The deal is that we were literally on my porch step. Its been said by my school, my friends, and proven to me through all of the past years that I have lived abroad that I cannot give them anything in front or too close to my home. Its too risky! Then people know where I live and that if they try hard enough that I'm willing to take care of them.
Its too risky!

I kept saying to him in Arabic that I didn't have any money on me and I was terribly sorry. I finally broke and offered him the bread in my bag from the store, but I don't think he understood the formal word for bread that I was using because thats all I know so far. He kept begging and then he and his little girl bent down, touched my feet and kissed their hands while saying in Arabic, "Praise be to God." The little girl kept touching my feet and kissing her hands over and over. The she started to take my hand and kiss my hand. I tried to get her to stop because each time was just breaking me down, but I knew I couldn't. I just thought...1 in 12. I want to, but I can't take care of 1 in 12...not like this.

It went on and then when he finally understood that I didn't have any money on me he asked for shoes. I was wearing my cheap Old Navy flip flops and he asked if I had another pair. I said no. I said that I on;y had this pari, so he asked if he could have 1 shoe and I could have the other. Broken. I was broken at this point.

I've been begged by people before, on many different continents, but never by people that you know for a fact are desperate and have been though unspeakable things. I just kept thinking about what they have witnessed, experienced, left behind, said goodbye to, etc. They are the faces of the devastating violence 53 miles away because of their president, the man that is suppose to protect and care for them...not try to kill them.

I continued to apologize and eventually went up to my apartment. After 20 minutes or so they packed up the little belongings they have and left. I don't know where, but I really hope it's somewhere that they can find everything they need. Its unbelievable how different life is from just 53 miles away. Its unthinkable. Just unbelievable.