i apologize for the sky pictures lately, but i've been struck quite a few times by the way the moon seems to float in the sky amongst its' colors and clouds. some days i wish i could have that same sort of existence, just floating along.

today i swear our pastor was speaking only to me. we can't let ourselves get bitter just because we're on the sidelines for a while. all i could think about is the time i've spent in tears, in frustration and i'm exhausted. i'm tired of feeling like my life is out of my control, like i had things all wrapped up and lost them. i'm afraid i'll get bitter, or worse, that i'm already there. i don't think i'm supposed to feel this way so young but i swear some days i can't tell if i'm happier to disconnect from my emotions or when i'm doing everything i know will bring them back in a tidal wave of overwhelming highs and lows. he said we have to hope and pray and know that while we're waiting, there's a plan and a purpose. i haven't been praying lately cause i used to ask for peace and it never came. the tears never stopped coming, i just stopped talking about them. i think it's a form of masochism the way we seek out what we know will make us cry the hardest and sink the lowest into that inescapable bliss of letting it all go. sometimes it's a song, maybe a movie or a book. sometimes its the way the sky looks or revisiting a place once occupied with happier times.

i guess i'm sad this weekend. for someone who seems so outwardly cheerful i sure spend a lot of time in deep thought. i'm tired of putting my own things on the back burner, and every time i say that i swear i'm going to change but it never happens. i'll find someone new maybe, something new for me to put all of myself into and i'll forget all over again that you don't fix your own problems by solving someone else's.

tonight is a rant and i apologize for that, and the redundant photographs. i guess maybe i'd say i'm jaded, not yet bitter but halfway there. i need to make these memories my own. you live rent free in my head and i'm exhausted.