Times they are a changing!

Interestingly I blipped this yesterday and it didn't seem to work.
I love the colours of the leaves on this mile-a-minute plant that is growing into our garden. It has started to climb up into the next door tree and it is coming intertwined together - so its an amazing green and red colours. These colours brightened my day and I needed that at the moment.

This weekend has been a particularly struggle for me - for those who have read my bio we have been told we cannot conceive children naturally and after many years of trying, tests and just misery really, a couple of years ago we decided to give up trying and not go forward with other treatments. This was one of the hardest decisions we ever had to make but one that we needed to for the sake of each other, our marriage and our own sanity. But I am plagued with this decision each and every day - have we made the right choice? Have we done the right thing? As much as it may seem a selfish decision by others we made the right decision for us. We have agonised about whether we should foster or adopt - but there are certain things I have the right to be able to experience with my children that fostering or adoption may not be able to offer. So its not an avenue we want to explore further. People would argue that if we really want a child we would go through these treatments or adopt etc but for us we hit breaking point and unless you have been there yourself you can't possibly comment on how hard or easy it is.

Over the years I have agonised about whether this has been the right decision and I know we have for us. But every year around this time I find it harder and harder. In November it is my birthday which leads into Christmas. As I get closer to 40 (I know I am only 37 this year) I question my decision because it won't be long before this choice is taken from me. I don't have an issue at turning 40 but I have the issue of whether its the right thing. My birthday each year fills me with dread and I struggle with Christmas as it isn't filled with young children opening their presents etc. We try each year to make it a little different but it is still not the same.
I have desperately to carve a life out for myself - following my own career path, starting my MA and taking up photography which all help. But there are times when it all becomes too much.

This weekend has definitely been it. It is bad enough going through this big decision but as time goes by more and more friends are dropping off the list because you don't fit into their mums club. Its incredibly isolating and you feel like you don't fit anywhere. This wasn't my choice but one that has ripped away from me. My husband is getting tired I think of my woes - saying I should try and stay positive and not dwell but its hard at times. Friends are having families and when its all new you are a part of that, being invited to birthdays etc but as the children get older you are no longer included and you don't fit. What on earth do I have to talk about of interest - I don't know about shoes, play dates etc etc. So then the invites become less and less and you have the door slammed shut. The last place I worked for for 8 years had young staff and they all have families at the same time - when I left not one has kept in touch to see how I am doing with all my issues with fertility. But they have joined together a mums club. So I keep my feelings tucked away and few people where I work now know.

I don't want sympathy or peoples pity - I just needed the opportunity to vent my feelings - as low as they are. But I wanted to use blip to vent into the void so I can off load some of the pain I am feeling at the moment. I know I am knackered and work has been tough but life is pretty hard at times.

I just want things to start changing and for my life to take a more positive route. So dear blip world here is hoping and praying for a better week!