Abject terror

Sometimes you know before you even open your post that your day is going to turn into the crappest day you've had for a long time.

In Warrington, it takes 10-12 weeks for the results of cervical screening to come back. My letter arrived today, 6 weeks after my test. I KNEW something was up.

So after having had a lovely morning, taking James and Jack to Jungle Gym, managing to sit and read my book whilst having a latte and a chocolate brownie, then going to KFC for a naughty treat, we got home and two letters were waiting for me. I made the mistake of opening them before I had eaten my lunch. My lunch went in the bin.

I have spent the two hours largely sobbing. Have spoken to my mum - got a sense of perspective and gratefully, was distracted for half an hour by general chit chat. I can't even bring myself to ring my dad because I know he will ask me if I am alright and I will just cry, and I hate crying, particularly on the phone. Its so bloody weak of me.

Corin's not home from work yet...I have to get a sense of perspective back before I speak to him because I know he is immediately going to worry. Perhaps wrong of me to post this before telling him, but this is the only way I can think of to try and rationalise and turn my world back the right way up before I speak to him.

Don't judge me!

My test results are abnormal. On a scale, they can be Borderline ,mild, moderate or severe. I have changes that are called "moderate dyskaryosis". I have had to book in for a colposcopy - 3 weeks time - its likely that I will have a biopsy whilst I am there.

Rational brain tells me that as much as it is not good to have abnormal cells, it IS good because they've been spotted and all the research and evidence shows that it is unlikely to be what I fear the most, and it will be treated and sorted relatively quickly. Rational brain also tells me that its a good thing, because I have been having problems since this time last year, have had numerous tests, and possibly this is the cause of the random pain that I have been experiencing.

A part of me is really flipping annoyed...both with myself, and the health system...I was subjected to some tests last October, but not a Smear, because I wasn't due for one!!! I became due in April - and this is why I am annoyed with myself - because I didn't get to book in for a test till July....however, if I had gone in April, my whole summer would have been buggered up (God, how selfish am I?!)

Irrational brain has gone into a complete meltdown. I'm sure you can imagine.

And what am I worrying about most ...James and Corin having to manage me for the next 3 weeks, being fretful and most likely a royal pain in the butt, and also worrying about my students, who are likely to have a number of lessons disrupted because I will have to be absent from school for tests and treatment - I will need treatment according to the literature that I have been sent (and now know off by heart!).

The only thing I can do is try not to worry I guess - easier said than done - so distraction techniques are going to have to come into play - starting with getting on with some work.

If you read my rant yesterday ...it all seems so bloody insignificant right now...