lipstick.

Today I felt ugly.

I don't know why; it was just a normal day. Didn't really talk to anyone, didn't fail anything.

Nothing.

But I went home with an ugly heart.

I didn't even want to look at my reflection on the train window. I was confused but all I wanted was to rush home, pamper myself, do any beauty treatment on my face and body so I can feel better about myself just a little.

At the age of 21, I have been questioning a lot about who I am as a woman. Physically. Do I dress like my age? Should I start wearing make up more often? Clothes are a problem since I can't afford all those brands usual girls wears. More heels? Jewelry? I looked at my hair in the mirror - why did I cut it short? Should I dye it again? Curl it? I don't have the best skin either... should I buy more face products? Maybe it's those beauty youtube videos; been watching those way too much probably.


It's funny.

For those that knows me well, I am VERY lazy. If I can survive a whole week just in PJ's, glasses, and bangs all tied up, I would, especially if I didn't know that men are not image driven.

But it's not about men either.



Stay with me here. I'm an external processor and believe me, I'm processing everything right now as I write this.





It's about myself.

Who am I really trying to impress here? Who am I pampering up for? People? My own self-esteem? To hear the praises that would boost my ego up for the day?

Or am I trying to hide something here?


As ugly as this confession may be, it is my true ugly pieces that what makes me

me.

My insecurities hidden behind a stroke of foundation. My hatred for my monolid eyes behind thick, drawn, black eyeliner. My disgust at my misshaped lips covered by the shade of reds that I can never pull off.

I watch these girls around me who can pull out their wallets and pay for all these beauty products and clothes they want in an instant, while every single time I pull out my wallet, guilt is what follows me. Do I really need this? Can't I be beautiful just by my own face alone? Why do I need these?

We live in a world that constantly tells us women, that beauty isn't about you - it's about what's on you. And that is partially true. We should be pampering up ourselves in a respectful way to portray who we are as a work of art. But there should be time when we come to an understanding that none of what we put on ourselves should become our identity.


So I came home, put on my PJ's, and finally looked in the mirror. Yes, there are imperfections that are drawn on my face that I will still continue to notice. Yes, I may not be the most beautiful by the world's standard.

But.

That's not my identity.

I have friends who still tells me they love me when my face is covered in tears and snots. I have a family who still loves me when they have seen me in the mornings, which I would consider, my ugliest time of the day. I hope, as well, that one day I will meet someone who love me when he sees all of this for the rest of our lives.

Most importantly though,

I came from a creator who painted me with His own fingers.
And I will cling unto this truth when my own reflection is what breaks me down.