i knew he'd start dating eventually...

my ex-husband that is. but i guess there are a lot of things i didn't count on. my insecurity about it for one. the subsequent insecurities about my daughter's view of me compared to another woman. a younger woman. a bilingual woman. a tall and painfully thin woman. an executive. someone who has a fancy car, a nice house- and her own baby daughter. someone who calms my ex-husband and plays the piano for him. things that were ours. they now share. and i have to lay down my armor and pretend it's all okay, when, inside it is so painful; so much ache i cannot eat most days.

what can i say? he has been mine and my daughter's now for 7 years... and before that, mine since i was 15 years old. we hurt one another many times over, but i think deep down we always had this love for one another that just couldn't find a way of breathing in the same house. i was okay with that. i met wes. i fell in love. i became somewhat calmer and more focused and i found out i am a pretty damn good mama. not that him finding this person takes any of that away... it's just his love that i fear will leave me eventually. he's talked of it being okay if paisley comes to live with me permanently. things i never, EVER thought i'd hear him speak of. now he thinks he can live with someone who eats meat. do you know the hell i got for eating shrimp on vacation in florida? my God.

then there was the somewhat "validating" idea that he was always just into men. i thought that's why he didn't really want my body or touch me in public or really act like he wanted to fuck me like- ever. but now he is with a woman who is a former russian model and i feel like a fucking frump. i go to therapy for my eating "problem" and i tell her i cannot eat. i think of my fat and flabby body and i think of paisley seeing his girlfriend and then me- and how paisley might look at me and wonder why i am so unpretty. i guess that's what hurts the most: i felt unpretty in my own dumb way for so long and i was JUST getting over that in therapy.

i was making progress with the not cutting, with my body image and even eating healthy. then boom. i cannot eat over 600 calories a day. i eat when my stomach aches so bad i can't stand. i eat only when the hunger pangs throb so hard i have to lie on my stomach and put a pillow against my abdomen to make them subside. i know the hunger is like cutting and the bingeing is like starving and it's all very very bad, but emotionally, i don't have the right resources to stop and deal with pain. i just react, punish, hurt and repeat.

i know most of this is my own problem. i just feel so alone sometimes and so abandoned now that he brushes me off in favor of this new beautiful and exotic thing. i was always his exotic thing. she is so far out of my league, i literally cannot think of meeting her. also we had tickets to see brandi carlisle here and then he went and bought her a ticket, too. also, the same month wes got him and i tickets for david sedaris and then SHE bought tickets for her and neal. it's like there will be no escape. christ, yanno?

i have told neal how he hurt me. how his lack of intimacy made me a fucking freak who only hated her body more and more over the years. how that kind of physical rejection fucked me up for 20 fucking years.

i am mad. i am sad. i am hurting. i want to hurt and hurt myself because now, i feel like what he really wanted was something i could never and will never be. tall, skinny, MBA-having, 6 figure-making piano playing russian model. just fuck me, ya know?

the fucking ICING on the cake is: she can make babies with him which, consequently, i cannot give to a man that i am with, who would, believe me, make one of the most supreme fucking daddies in the whole world.

epic.fucking
\FAIL/