Look ...

…. what I did today?

This is a long rant … honestly, don’t read it, I just needed to put this day somewhere :)

Had a scrumptious breakfast at the consistently friendly, clean and well managed Carluccio’s with old, dirty and unkempt friends, well one of them was, bless his little threadbare cotton sock. The other two; you could I suppose use the same adjectives / adverbs as the ones I used for Carluccio's.

I dragged my good friend Poppy2 around the large shopping centre despite her feeling very unwell and with a sore hoof foot … foot! I / we almost bought a Kenwood Chef, but J Lewis didn’t have any in stock … except in Oxford Street, London. They had the model on display that I had been purposely pawing and picking at for the last two months to make it “shop soiled”, but this backfired on me when I asked if we could purchase the said displayed and grubbied item. They apparently dispose of the packaging and accessories of displayed items because these take up valuable space in a large store, so therefore could not sell it to me with the limited accessories left. I had to nod in sullen agreement when I envisioned myself standing over my new shop soiled 1000W Kenwood Chef, trying in vain to whip up a nice stiff meringue mix with a dough hook!

A lovely email from my previous mobile phone provider informed me that I owed them almost £147.00 (almost KPW30,314.00 (North Korean Won)) for the privilege of me not actually being in possession of “their” iPhone and the phone being in “a reasonable state of wear and tear” when I returned it 15 days ago! As I seethed and glowered at anyone who remotely looked like a customer service representative, my heart rate was kept well above the pernicious bradycardia recently diagnosed, which incidentally improved my equally pernicious blood pressure…. which I’m sure could have been pernicious in itself …

After stomping home like a modern day Grendel, I proceeded to open up the websites ebay, Amazon and Mothercare and searched for “new or used” military flamethrowers. Apparently they suffer from the same demise as shop soiled Kenwood chefs, display models without accessories can’t be sold, something about public relations and the Firearms Act 1968 ….?!!?

After a diazepam bubble bath, and a monologue with the back of Mr Duckie’s head, I calmed down enough to use the modern means of communicating over the internet with customer "don't-care" centres, “Live chat” (because they don’t wish to be bothered with emails now). In some ways I found this less of a problem than actually speaking to them as I was able to give a considered and polite but forceful written response to their questions and comments. Had I had to have spoken to them, I am sure my credit rating would have diminished as much as the charges on my criminal record would have mounted.

Suffice to say, after a rather civilised “Live chat” session a compromise was reached and I owe them considerably less than the inflated 140 Guineas I would have had ripped from my paltry peanut shell populated bank account.

I did tell you not to read this drivel!