IVF Journey: 11w5d pregnant

This is my IVF diary. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for four years now, and have a diagnosis of 'unexplained infertility'. We have finally reached the top of the waiting list for IVF - a form of assisted conception. I'm blogging about what happens as it happens, as a kind of therapy for me and as an awareness raising exercise of what IVF is all about.

So the 12 week scan is tomorrow. I’d like to be excited, but I’m not. I’m nervous. I’m scared all won’t be well. I’m scared of a silent miscarriage, that there’s no baby in there.

However having had a scan at six weeks I do know that as soon as you see the thing you are looking for on-screen the feelings quickly go from terrified to delighted. So let’s hope for more of that.

I have a few blog posts written up and put on hold for whatever reason, and here’s one I’ve had in the bank for about six months and never got round to using. Seems relevant today.

I can’t see myself announcing a pregnancy to people, or introducing them to my child.

I don’t mean I don’t want that, and I sincerely hope I get to be able to, but it seems like such a far-off possibility that I just can’t imagine my turn coming.

The picture of the 12 week scan on Facebook (or otherwise) is always the thing that upsets me when I see it, the thing that makes me jealous that someone had had that lovely secret for a couple of months and now felt able to share it with the world because odds on all would be well and they’d be having a baby.

Having a 12 week scan and showing people a picture of it is the longest of long-term hazy goals for me. I’m not particularly jealous of babies, or pregnant ladies. Because I just can’t imagine that being me. But I hope that maybe if I’m lucky one day I can have a 12 week scan. I honestly can’t see beyond that.