Day 18

Today I woke up feeling overwhelmed. I was sleepy and didn't want to wake up, let alone get up. But I had to as I needed to have a bath and tidy my room before Heather arrived. This stressed me out and eventually I got myself up and managed to get on with things. About 15 minutes before Heather was due to arrive I began to get really nervous: I had butterflies in my tummy and couldn't concentrate. I knew that we would have a really nice time - we always do - but I just couldn't handle it.

Once Heather arrived, things were fine. I felt a bit stressed at times because I couldn't say everything I wanted to as the conversation moved fast but once I had reminded myself that it wasn't important, it didn't seem so bad.

I had been worried about eating lunch with Heather and my family. This was a bit hard but it went OK and afterwards Heather said she always finds that sort of thing awkward if it is her friend and family mixing.

I had times of feeling low or stressed while chatting after lunch but mostly enjoyed our time and didn't want her to leave. When she did leave, I went to play a game with my brother and cousin. I got a bit bored and slightly irritable but I guess it was OK. I resisted going back to bed before supper but was not feeling too good and just wanted to eat and go to bed. I found the meal dragged on a bit and I was pretty subdued for a lot of it.

I have been quite poor at actually writing any CBT work down so maybe I shall now work on some thoughts. Things on my mind have been:
-feeling fat/ugly
-worrying Heather might be unhappy
-letting my Dad down by cancelling our plans for a long walk tomorrow
-dreading next week.

Feeling fat/ugly. First off, numerous people have told me lately that I am looking well (and in fact much better since putting on the weight). So I should definitely try to remember that. Also, I guess I have been comparing myself to other thinner people. But why does it matter what others look like? I am not (I hope) loved for the way I look. Certainly God doesn't love me any more or less since I put on weight. Also, I am now a healthy weight whereas before I was underweight. This would suggest that I am now, in fact, healthier. Surely that's good! I still feel bothered by this.

Perhaps this is something to ask Lucy for help on: she did say I could email her to ask things. I really, really miss her!

Heather. I must remember I am not responsible for Heather. God is in control and I can pray. Also, she lives at home so I am sure her family are looking out for her too. And she has other friends. She also did give the overall impression of being ok. I don't think others in my position would worry so I don't think I should worry.

Cancelling on my Dad. The prospect of the walk was making me feel a bit dark about life. Given that I find meal times hard as I feel exposed, a three hour one on one walk with Dad would be a challenge. I haven't left the house since getting home four days ago and I think it probably wouldn't be as bad as I fear. All the same, there will be many other opportunities in my life to go for walks with Dad and chances are, one day it won't seem so scary. If I was being brave, it would maybe have been better not to cancel but I don't think it's terrible that I did. I don't want it to make me feel rubbish. I do feel bad to my dad but he will get over it, he still loves me. And like I said, there will be many more opportunities (and if there aren't, there will probably be bigger problems to be faced). I feel like the 'CBT answer' would be to not cancel but I really don't want it hanging over me that I have to go. It is not a big deal. But am I going against God? Does taking up my own cross and dying to myself mean that I should take the stress and discomfort for my Dad? I don't know. I really don't want to. Ahhh.

I am dreading next week as I am visiting various friends. But Laura, they are my friends! We get on. They won't want me to be in hard situations any more than I do. What is the worst that could happen? In Norwich, I can always just hide in my room (probably not the 'correct' CBT way but never mind). If I feel like anyone doesn't like me, firstly it probably isn't true. Emotional reasoning would not stand up in court. And even if I am correct, I have other friends and, most of all, I have God. In London, it might be slightly harder to hide. But I love Amanda and I am confident that if I say I am feeling in need of a rest, I am sure she would only want to help me. I must remember I can be open! It is positively good to be open! Also, it will soon all be over!

I feel like I am a bad Christian. But there is no such thing. We are all unworthy but Jesus has paid the price for my sins. Praise Him! But if I really have died to myself, would I go for this walk tomorrow? I feel like such a terrible person. But then obviously my salvation can't be earned by going for a walk. Ahhhhhhh, I don't understand. I am sorry God, please help me. I am going to just stop thinking about this now but I am kind of worried that makes me really bad. But what use is there in worrying? Or feeling guilty. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. But am I in Him? I am going to try to help myself here by saying that I know this is a common worry for Christians with depression so let's try to attribute it to my illness. Jesus, please help me live my life for you and give all parts of my life to you. Please save me and please take away my fear. Amen.

I am also feeling scared of death and even of eternity. I have been through this before though. God is changing me to be more like Jesus (I can see evidence of this having started already and the Bible records that God does promise that He will do this) and the Bible does emphasise the joy that will be in eternity. Even if I can't imagine liking it now, I know that that doesn't mean I won't. I must not go by emotional reasoning! Eternity with Jesus will be good!

Death isn't scary if I trust in God's goodness. And I have good reason too. But what if I go to Hell? The fact I am worrying about this suggests I won't. There are so many things I could doubt but I have weighed up the evidence of Christianity and the evidence of being saved and have been convinced before. Let's not start worrying about these things again.

So what do I actually need to worry about? According to the Bible (and what better source of information?), nothing. Philippians 4:6-7: do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus.

Let me be prayerful in everything, take one day at a time, one hour at a time and base my prayers around the model of those above verses. Jesus, please help me do this!

Argh, I am still worrying that I should be walking tomorrow.

Reasons to walk: it's good for me, it will make Dad happy, it might help me have less of a feeling of being exposed when with my family.
Reasons not to walk: I really don't want to.

Well, I am just establishing I am selfish. It's making me think I should never stay in bed even if I really, really want to, because that means I am living for myself and not God, I think.

I think the best I can do is pray that Jesus would help me become selfless. I could probably do with talking to someone about this as well. I suspect it won't seem so bad then.

It is by grace and not works that we are saved. Going for the walk out of guilt would look more like a work to me. Still unsure though...