Day 24

In summary, today has been quite pleasant but with increasing stress about this fact culminating in me being pretty stressed out now.

Morning: depression -2, anxiety -2

I slept a lot, not really wanting to face the day and slightly worried I might be alright, I think. I played some cribbage on my iPad and felt slightly guilty about this.

Afternoon: depression -1, anxiety -2

After eating far too much chocolate, I felt pretty rotten. I noticed what a beautiful day it was so thought I would go for a little walk to make me feel better and get a photo! I needed to go and get my laundry out and as I went downstairs I got intercepted by a housemate. She was talking a lot and I struggled to have the energy for this. I felt like she needed entertainment though so I said we could play some games when I got back from my walk. After having a big glass of water I felt much better so wonder whether that was the only problem with standing talking to my housemate.

I felt mildly anxious about just taking myself for a walk. And the fact I had made useful plans for the day. I am used to days where I don't see people ending up with me not motivating myself to get out of bed and feeling progressively more depressed as the day goes on.

I discovered there is actually a pretty lake just behind my house! I really enjoyed wandering around taking photos (maybe I should look into photography?! Seems to be what I am actually really loving to do at the moment! Not very good at it though).

I got back and played many a game with Rhoda. It was quite fun but there was that nagging worry about how ok I seemed to be. I was trying to sort out some stuff on my laptop at the same time which meant my attention to the game wasn't great.

Evening: depression -4, anxiety -5

Around dinner time I began to get more and more stressed and a bit overwhelmed by everything, particularly the fact the day had been quite good. I also worried about some of the stuff I had just put in Facebook and people maybe judging me as a result. I didn't especially want to play anymore but I agreed to anyway. It was ok. I did calm down for a while and Charlotte came and joined us for another game.

When we finally were done and I went upstairs to my room, my mood plummeted and I got really quite anxious. Especially as I then had a chance to think about the fact I am meant to be going to London tomorrow. It all seemed a bit much so I moved it to Saturday morning which means it will only be one night. That seems less stressful. I'm a bit unhappy that I have to be at the doctor's at 10am as that feels like too early a start. I'm probably just being lazy though. I am sure I will cope.

I then felt quite tense as this was hanging over me. I didn't procrastinate much though which is good. But of course also a bit scary - I am so much better...

Thought record time. Yay...

Thought: I am becoming more and more functional. I am probably getting better.
Why is this bad? This is something to celebrate. Not to worry about! Yes, it means maybe the job stress is more necessary but I am still quite all over the place. Lets wait to see how I get on when my normal work and voluntary appointments start up again.

Thought: people will think I am so weird because of the photos I put up on Facebook
Who cares if they do? My true friends aren't going to stop being my friend because of something so silly. And God loves me.

Thought: going to London is scary
Reasons for: -I am not sure what will happen
-I will be staying the night
Reasons against: -I will be with Amanda and she is lovely
-it will all be over by the end of the weekend, which really is not far off
Balanced thought: what is the worst that can happen? I think it is probably quite normal to be a little bit nervous but usually these things end up being really fun. It's only one night though. It will be over soon.