Hump day

This photo makes you feel dazed but really it's just the fogged up door doing the trick.

Today felt fucked up.

Started with a morning yelling session which in the simplest way, made me feel very sad. It's upsetting for me that I try very hard and disappoint my parents. I am also conflicted as everyone else in the planet, with the exception of those two very people who govern and live with me, feels I am doing a more than good job in preparing for college success. Instead, they not only feel I am inadequate in these efforts but that I am sabotaging myself through my lack of effort.
You know what? This has been the tune for seven weeks now and I can't fucking take it. Never as much as today have I contemplated death.

The tears flood uninvited now. In orchestra. In math. In lunch. Now, as I write this. I need this to be over.

Also, because of their perception of me, I am going to lose Evan. As their criticism tears me apart inside, it drains our relationship. It's too much. Plus, not being able allowed to see him is a their way of ensuring it will end. That fucking hurts.

I am thankful that today at last I am done submitting applications. I am thankful for Gonz as she brightened my day. I am thankful for Kristen's beautiful poem she opened her mind to show me.


I really don't know. Please God, help me.