Day 31

Morning: d-5 a-2

I was woken by the text telling me Clare would be with me in fifteen minutes. I just wanted to sleep and was nervous of going out. I had to just get on with getting up though and very soon I was getting into Clare's car and off we went to the soft play place with her children. It should have been fun playing with the nearly two year old -in fact, maybe it was, I can't really remember. I know I worried a bit that I might have hurt her. But then I swapped with Clare and cuddled the two month old while she played with the toddler. This definitely should have been nice but I felt fatigued and really quite low. There was something a bit reassuring about that though.

Afternoon: d-3 a-4

I got back and really just wanted to go to bed. Again, this did serve to be pretty reassuring. I needed to leave straight away really but also really needed food. And I couldn't face the idea of cycling so cheekily asked my housemate for a lift. She obliged and I had a quick lunch, sitting in the kitchen. Looking back, I wonder whether I was already feeling OK as I would not usually be happy to eat in the kitchen when I could retreat to my room.. Anyway, doesn't really matter.

Then I went to meet Katherine from church. I felt quite stressed as I was a couple of minutes late but we had a helpful conversation. It made me realise/worry how much better I am. In fact this has come up ate a lot today. I am so much more functional than I was. I am not slow. I can easily sit for long periods without feeling the need to lie down. I can read. I do not feel desperate. Maybe I could work..?

Katherine persuaded me to retry reading a booklet on depression. I had tried a while back but it had upset me too much. I stayed in the coffee shop and read it without much problem. Obviously this stressed me.

I arranged to go over to Helen's next. She wanted to make a cake. I felt very anxious about this and couldn't really face getting up/going to the shop/doing things but I went ahead. The whole time I felt anxious (perhaps guilty like I shouldn't be doing 'fun' things?).

Evening: d-3 a-4

Baking and cooking all done, we chatted a bit and watched some TV. As is often my way I kept pulling my hair out. This just frustrated me more and I was pretty tense. I was also nervous about walking home given the hour. So I left.

I really missed Lucy. This in turn made me feel somewhat guilty. I also got scared of dying. I did however observe how these were much more just passing thoughts than massive issues. These things are just all making me realise how ill I have been in the past. Which makes me resent feeling better. Why? Uncertainty about the future? I feel like I haven't had enough pity? Maybe. Especially given that I thought I was a fraud then. If only I had known!