Day 33

I had a really horrible dream last night about dying and not being saved. It was petrifying and it has been haunting me a bit today. I had terribly haunting dreams every night when I started taking mirtazapine and they went on for a long time. I feel like they had calmed down till recently but definitely they have been worse again lately.

Despite this, I was reasonably ok when I got up this morning, just a bit stressed by the fact I was ok. I feared the day would be fine and then maybe I would need to get a job. Same old problem...

I went back to bed to watch some iplayer. I procrastinated a fair amount before finally getting down to doing a bit of bible study prep. I got more scared about leading this study.

After a bit more iplayer, I started to think I might want to head off to the birthday I was going to. Then the trouble really began. It all felt too big in my head. Every time I rolled over to get up, I would be taken over by fear. So I really struggled. It was very like the third comic here http://www.buzzfeed.com/hnigatu/comics-that-capture-the-frustrations-of-depression.

I was getting lower and more stressed and nearly cancelled several times. I despaired at the prospect of being in all day though. Eventually I did manage to get out. With only 45mins left of the 3 hour party to attend. But never mind. I made it so that is good. I played with the toddlers at the party so didn't have to make any conversation.

Afterwards I went to Asda. I needed to get a few things but to my distress I found myself enjoying looking at the clothes. This made me a bit nervous. I spent the rest of my (extended) wander round the shop feeling guilty about this, trying to sort it out in my head but failing to really. I had to remember that feeling ok now didn't nullify the anguish I had felt earlier.

I felt pretty rough cycling home but I think that was mainly the result of not having eaten enough. I had only had yoghurt for lunch as there was nothing easily available.

I was quite functional once I got back - I properly cooked, had a shower, tidied up after myself a little. And watched more iplayer. I don't think I am feeling much this evening and that makes me feel anxious and guilty. I think I generally quite like evenings at the moment because I don't really have any expectations.

I am so scared I am getting better. It is ridiculous. And I just want to not be on the antidepressants so I am less numb to things. But I should be so grateful that I don't feel like I can't cope like I used to. At the beginning of December even I was not sure how to keep going. And even with my obsessive spell over Christmas, that was horrible. Why can't I just want to be better? That would make things so much simpler.

I'm so scared to do thought records and mood ratings. I did note though that I had been thinking in a way that assumed one of my friends was disappointed in me. Then I thought about it and why would she be?! Faulty thinking there!

Argh. Also missing Lucy still :(. It doesn't help that I keep cycling past where I used to have my appointments with her. But then I feel guilty for missing her. Yes she was quite a big part of my life but I have plenty of lovely people in my life, some of whom I can be pretty open with. And I have God who loves and adores me. I can talk to Him about anything. In fact maybe I should talk to Him about this. I want to email Lucy but I know that will only make me more upset and just make me miss her more. So I won't do that unless there is something that her expert advice would be really useful on. Also I am pretty certain the Lucy in my head does not exist in real life - I am sure I have edited her, if that makes any sense...

Argh, stress, stress, stress...