I'm happy when I say I'm happy

Today I found two old friends, who have been hiding under my sleeves for too long. These two dots I took about three years ago, and I haven't used them as much as I had hoped I would.

My two dots, black and white represent me as a person - I have a very dark and negative side in me, and this side is the black dot. Even as a little girl, everybody in the same room could feel the angriness that I radiated. I wasn't an easy person this way, and I kept this part of my personality alive quite a long time, till I was almost twenty. The I took my tattoos. Because I have another side too - this side is the little girl in me, who is the smallest but still the most peppery. I could be the most fun and joyful person in the world when I was in the mood.

So I battled between these to sides of me, and I can tell you, those who happened to see the black dot of me wasn't in a happy place. My life has been bumpy, and even as a grown woman, I still battle with these two sides. Many of you who follow my journal have seen the both sides. But. When I realized that a part of my personality is and always will be like this, I decided to do something about it. The two dots on my wrists remind me every day of my two sides, and looking at them I can start to think what the situation is now, and maybe chance it.

When I started to plan taking these two tattoos of my two sides, I also started to realize who fragile the human mind is also against itself. . At this point I lived in a time when I could be walking at the middle of the night at winter in 30 degrees minus, and looking into the stars say to myself: "Damn I'm happy!". And the truth was I shouldn't have been happy at all - I was heart broken and alone. But still, I was happy. I started to realize the power of my own mind. I started to realize that if I only decide something, I will succeed. The power of autosuggestion became clear.

Today, I have realized that autosuggestion can also blind you - you can be the most horrible monster to your loved ones and still think you know the truth. I am happy now days that I know also the negative power of this amazing thing in the human mind.

I am not in a happy place in my life right now, and many things I would like to chance and do over - but I can't. I can't chance my past or do it over. So.. I use autosuggestion, and no matter how shitty I feel, I tell myself every day again: "I am happy and a lucky person. I have learned so much about life, and what ever will happen to me, I will survive and grow even stronger. I have done wrong to others, and other people have done wrong to me, but I am forgiven, and I forgive others…"

The reason I keep believing to a bright future and happiness is in my own head - I decide to believe and I decide to keep going. I am deciding, that I am whole. I decide to believe.