Meanwhile, in Sporting News

In what was arguably one of the most hotly anticipated sporting events in America, Dexter the Tabby took on Eight Ball the Duckie, in hopes of bringing home the championship trophy on this day.

It was a battle for the ages. The duck was lean and nimble. The Tabby's paws were quick and flashingly white. The action was hot and fast.

The rumor was that advertisements during the game were selling for millions of dollars for less than a 30-second spot. (That's a lot of money spent on advertising for Doritos, cars, and beer.)

Snackers all around the globe showed their appreciation by snacking at alarming rates. Will we run out of dip before we run out of chips? the whole world wondered, and a hush fell on the crowd when the dip ran low even before the start of the game.

But on the bathroom sink, the game continued, the two participants locked in a mortal embrace . . .

The soundtrack: Journey, Don't Stop Believin'.