Woof!

Guard the house?
Hmm - when I'm not sleeping, no problem! But don't think I'm stirring myself out of my comfortable bed just because there's a 'strange noise' in the hall outside! Unless of course you don't want me to bark, and then, well, it just sort of comes out!

Lick often?
I do, I do!

Do tricks when asked to?
I can make Mr K's steak disappear when he leaves it unattended to get a drink from the kitchen. That's pretty impressive if you ask me...

Chase your tail?
You recently dissuaded me from chasing my tail, stating that you've heard it indicates mental distress... Do make up your mind Bluebellsea...

Don't roll in the mud?
No problem here! You know I tend not to be inclined to do that sort of thing - much to0 cold and wet for my liking.

Don't beg?
Forget it! I've got that down to a fine art and I'm not stopping now.

Bark softly?
Look, either you bark or you don't!

Ask to go outside?
I'm taken often enough - I don't need to ask, but rest assured, if I needed to I would whine and whine and whine, so don't worry about it...

FETCH?
Of course - that's my passion in life!

Show affection?
You cuddle up to me, I'll cuddle up to you!

No drinking from the toilet?
Firstly I can't reach and secondly - what self respecting dog would drink from the toilet?
(Yes, yes I know I eat rabbit poo at every given opportunity but that's different!)

Always be loyal?
Share your food with me and you have my undying loyalty until your whole plate is empty!

Alfred Dog :-)