learning to breathe

i dont know. i forgot this feeling. i can remember it a little from undergrad - but there is so much more work and too much pressure.

there are seriously moments i cant breathe.

its the amount of work and this perfectionist tendency that i did not know i ever had. where did that come from?

and there is the constant need to perform well - to prove myself. to say something brilliant. well, brilliant and fully supportable.

i feel like im drowning.

there are moments of distinct clarity and within minutes its muddy and confused.

i dont know. i still love what im doing. thats not the issue. i just want to do it well. i dont want to settle - at all.

and then im tired of the solitude, i just want people around me. i want to socialize. but that sets me back.

and i missed my family today. ill see them soon enough - but still.

so there is my list of complaints. but, im still happy. good friends. always good friends.