Ay ay

After a gloomy start the day brightened and an unfamiliar ball of light shone down and all around and confused the heck out of all of us.
It was like someone had turned the shower off and turned on the light and heating. Curious.

I spent a lot of time faffing and wandering around. Opening a vein to write yesterday's blogpost had left me feeling a bit raw and vulnerable and anxious and I didn't sleep well. But also knowing that I was going out in the evening and was going to have to be nice to people was worrying me. Whatever it is I want to do or intend to do in a day is always completely overshadowed or dominated by anything that involves leaving the house or dealing with other people. I find it difficult to function or relax or concentrate. It's like setting a course and not allowing for any detours as if the pressure of the social event is a destination and everything else is sightseeing. It's really quite stupid and I wish I didn't have to be like this because my strawberry plants turned up and I wanted to plant them out.

I did however get a maypole erected for growing beans and peas up. And felt some deep guilt when some the odd bee buzzed around and didn't find anything in our garden.

We went to Richard's mum's house in the evening to celebrate her birthday. It was actually really pleasant and I really didn't need to worry or be crippled by the anticipation. But that's what I do.

I wrote a tiny blogpost: Reluctant Soldier
It seems to help to blurt out some of my daily struggles and see them in words.