Day 95

I am so tired. But it is entirely my own fault for staying up too late the last two nights when I have had to get up early (well, early for me anyway!) the last two mornings.

This morning I accompanied my housemate to her appointment at hospital. I was a bit anxious about timings and potentially seeing another person who happened to be at the hospital but mostly was not really thinking about how I was feeling (for a change). Looking back on this, I feel a little panicked.

This afternoon I went to Lizzie's. I enjoyed seeing her and Anna but became increasingly tired and did spend quite a bit of time feeling anxious and bothered.

I did another section in my book. Today it was about how, after the Fall, the rest of the Bible shows us God's wonderful rescue plan. The Bible begins and ends with people living in a perfect relationship with God and with one another. All Christians are on a path towards becoming like him; by his spirit we are constantly being made more like him. God promises this e.g. 'being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus' Philippians 1:6.

However, the book went on, the life of a Christian is one of a constant battle between what we want to do and what God would like us to do. This 'waging war' as Paul describes it, is one between the Spirit of God that dwells in every Christian and the Spirit of the flesh. It may feel like we are losing but I was reassured to be reminded that Paul also had this problem (Romans 7:14-8:5) and so do Christians today. The only way we can succeed is by Jesus. God promises to help us and he will not let us down.

How we think about how we are doing on our walk with God is likely to be affected by what is happening in our lives, how close we feel to God and how we feel. Whatever my core beliefs might be causing me to think, I need to hold onto the Truth. God loves me and I have great value to Him. He sees me as good, blameless and washed from sin because of Jesus' sacrifice. 'And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate[a] the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.' 2 Corinthians 3:18.

I think it was after this actually that I began to feel particularly all over the place. I think I feared that I might now have 'fixed' the problem. I wondered whether not wanting to get better meant I didn't even have the desire to do things God's way like Paul did. But maybe the very process of thinking about that shows a similar battle is taking place within me.

I got back this evening so very tired and became sad and also quite stressed. Probably was quite hungry but I couldn't be bothered to sort any proper food out until my housemates invited me to play some games and then I did microwave up a proper meal.

I was not a good loser in the games and was quite quick-tempered. The others didn't think there was a problem but I definitely was more aggressive than usual.

I feel like it's all because of my silly late nights.

I feel on edge, like I need to do something, but what?!

Ahhhh I am stressed that I might be getting better. But this has happened so many times in the past and then I always fall back again. I think I should stop worrying and enjoy any better times I have!