What a day

Today is a day I'd rather forget.

It started badly with a lady at church commenting that I was not winning the weight battle. She's said this before. I know she is trying to be helpful and her comments come from a place of love, but with my mental history I don't immediately respond to that kind of tough love very well. I always take it as personal criticism.

I then took some well meant and understandable criticism from my sister very badly and ended up attacking her with loads of stuff from the past that has been long forgiven and was most unfair. I had a rather serious melt down and hurt her in a way that was most unjustified and unwarranted. I think instinctively, I went on the attack as the best form of defence. Not cool and not fair. I dealt with the whole situation badly and kept making it worse and then quite literally ran away, leaving her in my house, wondering just how it had gone so wrong.

I cried uncontrollably for a good two hours and decided I needed to talk to someone and not be on my own and am so lucky that my old friend S was in and willing to be a shoulder to cry on, literally. We spent the afternoon talking it through, sunning ourselves in her garden and planting a new flower bed (my blip). It was good to talk and get some perspective. I am so lucky to have such good friends. I'm not sure how today would have panned out if I hadn't been able to go round there. I think I would have rung SAMs or gone into them to talk. Always my last resort and a safety net.

Fortunately, we've both sent our apologies by various texts today and reassured each other that we love each other and we're meeting on Tuesday to start afresh.

Oddly, no matter how horrible today has been, I can't help thinking that afterwards it was a good thing that I stayed with my emotions and difficult feelings and acknowledged them instead of doing what I usually do and going to sleep to try to avoid them. There will certainly be plenty to talk about with the head shrink tomorrow. I only wish I hadn't hurt my sis in the process. She didn't deserve that. I'm pleased she has her husband to look after her.

Another upshot of my melt down is that I've also taken some action to start on the weight loss journey, so maybe old M in church did me a favour after all...

I'm home now and just wanting tomorrow to come so I can get back to normal and just get on with some boring, mundane, safe work.