The Paradox of M.E.

Today I woke up early and felt good getting back to my natural rhythm, but even so I had to talk myself into going for my run.

Last week was another rest week as determined by my body and I had intended on repeating week four of the couch to 5k plan that I am following but that was my stumbling block I felt like I was stuck there.

To progress to week five I needed to have completed the week four runs 3 times well technically I had done that so I decided I would give week five a try knowing that I could always go back.

Week five is split into 3 different runs and today's run consisted of 5 minute run, 3 minute walk, 5 minute run, 3 minute walk and the last 5 minute run (of course there is also the warm up and cool down).

I survived and I found it easy, in fact I found the walking intervals too long. What's even more impressive is that again I only needed to have one knee taped up.

I felt great and really proud of myself.

I even treated myself to some new running leggings (lidl bargain just over £4).

But then came the fall.

I had planned on filling in job applications this afternoon but I couldn't get my brain to work. I was so tired and my head felt like it was full of bees. I desperately needed to rest and yet I felt that I couldn't.

In the end I broke down in tears. Trying to reconcile the two halves of me. The one that was out running in the morning and outwardly would seem the picture of health and then the disabled me that could no longer be upright and whose cognitive ability was somewhere else.

I have been battling/living with M.E. for 14+ years mostly I know the deal but sometimes I still have those I days. I wonder what it would be like to have a fully working body. To be able to do what I want, to keep going, to run, to skip and play. Then to write, to read, to use my brain.

Life would be easier if I had
a) a fully functioning body. Or
b) oodles of money so I can do what I want with this broken body but I wouldn't have to worry about job hunting/working and I would have a team of staff to look after me, you know so I can enjoy the fun bits without having to worry about the boring bits (you know washing, cooking, cleaning etc)