A day to remember

Easter holidays are always really hard for me. It always reminds of the awful time we went through 5 years ago when we lost my dear dad. I know 5 years have passed and people will say it's time to move on but this time of year to always hard - remember the last time I saw him or spoke to him before he collapsed. The awful time at the hospital waiting and hoping, the rallying round of family members as I wasn't sure how urgently they would need to be there, and finally hearing the news that he wouldn't be with us for much longer. Weirdly at that time I didn't cry - I was there for my mum and trying to liaise with family to make sure they would all be there. Stupidly I had to take my mum to get a newspaper and pay his credit card hours before he died as she didn't want to face up to the reality of what was going on.

During this time other siblings had their opportunity to say goodbye and have their last words and I didn 't, not on my own. So maybe this is why I am struggling after all these years to move on.

So if I had my time again here are something's I would want to say to my dad:
* I miss you and I love you - always and I am sorry I never said this often enough
* I wish I could give you one more hug or hold your hand
* I wish I had the chance to know how you felt about my choices in life and to know if you were proud of me
* I wish you could make me laugh one last time
* I am sorry if I have made choices that you didn't approve of or did things my way but I needed to make my own way in life
* thank you for being my dad - you were wonderful and amazing and no one could replace you ever

Also where did you put the letters you wrote for us all that you told mike about - I would love to read it now as I would take comfort in your words.

I miss you dad and I hope you are looking down on me. I love you.

Let's hope I can start to let go.