lauramary

By lauramary

Day 128 - grey, gold and black

10.15 wake up.
10.20 get bus.
Check.
10.30 meet Bibs... Well, let's make that 10.50, but it's ok as she was also late!

I was very tired. And feeling fat. I had managed to eat an extortionate amount of junk in the last 24 hours.

I was very pleased to go to bed again at 12.30. I slept for an hour or two. I was so cold and felt a Iittle unwell. But unsure whether that was because of all the unhealthiness.

I had the biggest shock when I got post telling me that I was going to get a large amount of backdated money following my ATOS assessment. This made me firstly very excited but then I started worrying and feeling fraudulent again.

I felt lonely as well and got myself into a pretty black mood. Not helped by the fact I had been thinking about Lucy again (I miss her!).

It was maybe a good thing that I had pre-planned to take myself out in the evening to see a musical.

I couldn't be bothered to go but thought what a waste of money that would be, so I dragged myself out.

I was feeling alone and scared.

The musical distracted me a bit, but I found it all too much sitting there. I wanted to sit on the floor but couldn't, obviously. I made a deal with myself that I would stay till the interval and review things then.

I was in no doubt that it was best to go when the interval finally came. I was feeling bothered by intrusive thoughts as well.

All in all, very unhappy.

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