Day 136 - medical institutions!

Had to get up to take housemate for her hospital appointment. Was so sleepy and really struggled to cope with her trying to talk to me in the car. Was so low. Worrying about how I could keep going in life. Got to the hospital and felt so weak and tired, like I might faint on occasions.

Was so relieved to get home. Felt low but I slept for a while. Woke up and felt low again/still.

Want to see Lizzie. That was nice although I felt bothered, like I needed to talk about something but just could not work out what.

Felt scared about going to the GP, scared about the days to come. Got very upset and desperate in the appointment. I was very clear that something had to change but felt like she was keen to not do anything. She was saying how I was better than I had been. In the end I was calmed by her reminding me to take one hour at a time and eventually she managed to get through to me that although there might not be a miracle cure, more hard work on CBT would help if I kept at it as the general trajectory is upwards.

I was getting myself in a tizz about only having been labelled as 'moderately' depressed. I'm not entirely certain why - whether it comes back to my need to be the most extreme of something to make me feel special or something. Or it might be that I can't cope with the idea of people out there feeling even worse than I do? Anyway the GP said she thought I was the person from general practice that she had seen struggle most with mood. That cheered me up a bit but I now feel fairly guilty about that. It is making me feel a bit like I have misled her. But I just don't know...

I felt rubbish after the appointment but took myself to Emma's to distract myself. That helped. Glad I'm seeing Katherine tomorrow.