BJ

Do I have the most beautiful friends or what? Yes. Yes, I do.

BJ just spent the weekend at a silent retreat on/near Lake Lewisville. She was describing the themes of the weekend to me while I was taking her photo. I really liked this one over the one where she's smiling because of the simple beauty of her features. She's heading out to London and Italy for the rest of the week for a conference (with EJ!) and then vacation. Sounds wonderful.

I've really enjoyed the time I've been able to spend uploading my blips this past week. It feels good to write down at least a tiny bit about what I'm actually thinking the day that I'm thinking it instead of scrambling to upload 60 photos over the course of the past two months.

So my surgery rotation started last Monday. We're on a Q4 schedule meaning we're on call every 4 days. Pre-Call, Call, Post-Call, Clinic, wash, rinse, repeat. I work with another MSIII (Sarah) on my team and we have two interns (one surgery resident, one family practice resident), a PGY2 Surgery Resident, and a PGY4 upper level Surgery Resident. I think the surgery residents are from Baylor. So today is technically our "clinic" day and I went to round on a patient that I saw in the ER last Monday night when he came in s/p MCV rollover with multiple injuries/fractures. He's not on our surgery list anymore as I found out after I rounded, so I'll be seeing someone else tomorrow. I'm just getting a little antsy to get into the OR on our call day Tuesday. I missed our most recent call because I was attending the Derm conference on Friday.

So I find myself having to pray every morning over having a great, selfless attitude about my rotation. I don't understand what the inner struggle is about my attitude, but I've been pretty negative lately. I think I'm just annoyed that I haven't been to the OR yet. Patience is what I struggle with day in and day out. I'm very much an instant gratification type of gal. I think that's one reason dermatology really appeals to me. Something looks weird? Biopsy that $#!+. Shave it off. Cut it out. Sew it up. Send it off to dermpath. But man, I struggle with patience in every area of my life. So, I'm constantly praying for patience. Patience to understand other people's schedules. (The biggest one right now, I think.) Patience to wait for the right timing. Patience to just sit still and be calm. As a medical student, I'm in a supportive role. I can't initiate things because I don't know what to do and when it needs to be done really.

Rotations. I can't even begin to describe how stressed out I have been since January about scheduling my 4th year rotations. It has been causing me to have nightmares, to feel the need to "run away" on the treadmill. I've been working out more to work off my stress that keeps creeping up on me. My left upper eyelid has been twitching since the end of my first week on my family medicine rotation in January. THAT has been a huge, annoying distraction. I think it's gotten better over the last three weeks as I've been able to make more progress with actually getting rotations scheduled appropriately. Once again -- I keep praying for strength and patience and confidence. It's really easy to get my confidence dashed because I'm applying for such a competitive specialty. But I know who I am and I know what my goal is.
That being said.. my overall goal is to take one day as it comes and to do whatever it takes today to make progress. Baby steps, giant leaps, whatever the stride can be. So if it's a baby step followed by a week of waiting patiently, I can do that. I just have to pray for the peace that I need during the waiting period. And the confidence to take the step in the first place.

I'm praying a lot these days. All day, erryday. If I don't, I'll crumble. Also, there's a great chance that I need a hug at all times. I didn't realize how little human contact I have until someone hugs me and I just want to cry because it's the most lovely thing in the world. Man, I miss my dogs*.


*Lulu and Oliver are in my hometown with my parents while I've been on rotations this semester.