Signs

"I could not become anything:
Neither bad nor good, neither
A scoundrel nor an honest man,
Neither a hero nor an insect.
And now I am eking out my days
In my corner, taunting myself
With the bitter and entirely
Useless consolation that an
Intelligent man cannot seriously
Become anything; that only
A fool can become something."
Fyodor Dostoevsky
Notes from Underground

So my day started with buyers remorse from the previous days shopping trip. I'm going to be the best dressed unemployed person in Western Sydney. Not a position I take pride in and it is probably important for you to know I am sitting on two quite fair job offers and waiting for a third to better their deal. What's the point in being a professional negotiator if you just accept what you are given? Rule one: negotiate from a position of power - having two other offers on the table means I can be bold in my requests with the third. Anyway, after an early meeting with a fourth party today that just won't take no for an answer I decided to visit inappropriate company at work. She was very happy as I came baring a bucket of coffee - skim, two equals - just the way she likes it.
It then seemed right to hit the gym and get some lunch. After lunch I had some time to kill before picking Felicity up from daycare so I grabbed my latest book purchase and headed out the door. As I have been looking as pale as a vampire bite victim my intention was to find a nice grassy spot where I could lap up some rays and turn some pages.
The Weir at the Nepean River provided the perfect surroundings - distant sounds of running water, almost private grassy knoll and sunshine, plenty of sunshine. The only obstacle I had to navigate was local disability medium to high care facility were having a picnic outing between the car park and my little slice of heaven. All went pretty well really - I managed to avoid seeing anymore than necessary while one of them peed against a tree and on his shoe, another ran up to me to ask if I was scared of aeroplanes. Unsure what the right answer was I didn't comment which seemly wasn't right either because I had the question yelled at me three more times before a carer came to gently redirect them to the triangle sandwiches.
Safely arriving at the most isolated part of the park I look around to see it's just me so it seemed safe to remove my shirt to ensure the maximum opportunity to absorb the under strength winter sun. I get comfortable on the grass and open the book to find the above quote just before the start of the first chapter. I read it, re - read it, formed an opinion about it and then contemplated what to do about such a quote being in such a place. For it wasn't the first time this piece of work has been thrust in front of me. Only a few nights before inappropriate company issued me with the full text complaining she had to read it for Uni. I flicked through it, formed an opinion on it and tossed it back in her bag.
Could it be pure coincidence that this literature again found itself under my nose in the space of days? Or could it be a sign? Does the universe even send signs? If so what does the sign mean? Am I supposed to read "Notes from Underground"? Is it telling me something about inappropriate company? Should I wander over and answer I'm not scared of aeroplanes and get on the bus when they leave?
After minutes of unsettling thoughts I distract myself by returning to the book stopping only to put my shirt back on after a sensible half hour. I get through a few chapters more before I am again disrupted. This time a middle aged man in a blue ski jacket and bone trousers stands uncomfortably close. I look up to see he is looking at me. I say hello, he hellos back still standing there looking at me. Feeling very uncomfortable I collect my wallet, phone, keys, water from beside me and stand up. He is still watching me.
"Can I help you?"
"No"
I turn and walk away very quickly. I glance back about half way to the car and his gaze was still focused in my direction. I check again when I get to the car - no change. Unsure if the head count prior to departure of the bus back to the care facility was one short or if my amazing looks in my Billy Joel concert series tee shirt was just to much for him. Either way I was glad to be back in the car. I didn't stop again until I spotted today's blip shot.