Day 158

10am: So tired and feel quite weak/faint. Uncomfortable on the train. Maybe too hot.

Really missed Lucy earlier as there were several things that reminded me of her.

The thing is she is only a person. What do I want from her? Care, I think. But I have friends who care and who are able to love me more than Lucy can. And even more than that, I have God who knows me inside out and still loves me beyond words. So why do I miss her? Well, humans are made for relationships. So I guess it would be difficult if I had no friends, but I do! I don't understand. On the plus side I am missing her less overall and sometimes fine about not seeing her. I guess it will get easier.

Feeling very fat. Again. Last night I dared to weigh myself (absolutely dreading the result as I know I have put on so much more weight) but the scales just kept saying 0'0". Weightless?! Unfortunately very much not! Maybe a good thing I don't know my weight as it would disgust me. But I think I do need to do something about this fatness obsession. And any attempts at dieting don't work because I just get so low when I haven't eaten enough. Also, I have to be especially careful with my eating while on lithium. So I either need to accept myself, eat healthier or do more exercise. Eating healthily is quite hard when you don't have much energy or motivation. Likewise for exercise! Maybe I will do lots of walking in Geneva.

So, that basically means I need to accept myself. And there probably is good reason to.
- many people have said I am still slim
- I am in the healthy range of weights for my height, albeit more than I would like
- God loves me regardless of my weight
- never in my life have I been happy with how I look - there is always going to be some problem in my view!

Need to keep flattening that ladder, especially while in Geneva as Pei is smaller than me so this could stress me.

12 noon: I had a coffee once I got to London and had some fun doodling on the next train.

Came through customs. Became quite nervous about the flight. But flying is so safe! Anyway, 'to live is Christ, to die is gain'. What a brilliant verse. I used it when I really wanted to die to remind myself that living is for Christ, and now that I'm scared, I can have comfort from it too.

2pm: As we took off, I put 'Glorious Unfolding' by Steven Curtis Chapman (new favourite song) on and watched the view. Within seconds I was just so, so happy! The world is so beautiful. What an amazing Creator we have. Everything looked so small; I'm so small. My problems were left on the ground! 'The story is so far from over.' I have been grinning for much of the journey!

6pm: after a bit of a kerfuffle getting from the airport, I have arrived at Pei's. Feeling a bit low and anxious but will be ok, especially when Pei arrives, I suspect!