Tentative tendrils

I'm sticking today's entry in even though I'm 4 days behind. Right now I'm not up to filling in the missing ones.

I'm massively anxious today. I fact I think I have All The Anxiety. So if you're having a nice day, you have me to thank!
Lots of things make me anxious. Almost everything to be honest. But nothing makes me anxious like other people.

I tried to do all sorts of things today and I'm patting myself on the back for getting the most important things done, but it was slow work and I was really flustered.

I've written about anxiety in my blog a few times. But I've never sat down and written an accurate description of how it feels in the throes of terrible angst. I think it's almost impossible to do that.

I started to write today but the words wouldn't come. Not in the way I wanted them to anyway. Every sentence I came up with evaporated on the breeze and I was left wondering where it went within seconds.
I had 2 minutes alone in the bathroom earlier and I scrawled this on a page:

Anxiety is like a storm in your head, in your heart and in your belly.
It floods you, it fills you and it hits you hard.
You try to write about it but you can't find words, you can't shape letters and you can't follow thoughts.
Maybe the fact that I couldn't write anything much for any length of time is a good description in itself.
A couple of people are making me anxious. I don't blame them because I'm fairly sure they have no idea and I don't think they mean to hurt me. It's nothing directly to do with me but it hurts and it's taken over my life. I feel so helpless.

I hate my Asperger's today. It's the first time I've thought about it so negatively, but I can't stand how ill I feel when anxiety strikes and how difficult it is to function.

It's not all bad. We're having our first homegrown potatoes from the garden for tea tonight and I had a lovely walk with my lovely husband.

And there is chocolate in the house.

I know I am still achieving stuff on a daily basis and have plenty to celebrate but one thing I know I will never achieve is Don't-give-a-fuckness. Mostly that's good but sometimes it's terrible.