My Rachel Wall

This is where I sit when I am on my asthma machine, or my computer (or both) I call it my Rachel wall. My other daughters are on it too but she takes up the lion's share of space. She has been gone the shortest time so I am still dealing. She doing great and I am thrilled with all she gets to do in California but its still hard!

Anyway, the following story is for Carol (Rosie and Mr. Fun)

When I was 45 years old, I found out that I was pregnant and since there is a chance that as an older mother my child could have Down Syndrome, I was told that I should have an amniocentesis. I couldn't have that test until the fourth month and then the results would take a while to come back. I could already feel that fluttery feeling that you get before they actually start kicking. I knew the baby would have fingernails and eyelashes and it was already very real to me. I knew I would not be able to do anything no matter whether we got good news or "bad". ( And please, this is just talking about me and what I felt. I make no judgements on anyone else. We all just do what we have to do.) I cancelled the amnio. As I was leaving the doctor office, the receptionist stopped me and with her lips curled back said, "You think you are so great! You are taking a chance on someone else's life. This child could be born with the top of its head not formed and freeze to death within hours, this child could have to live its whole life strapped in a wheelchair with drool running out of its mouth and someday, it it can talk at all it will look at you and say, 'I hate you mom, I hate you for bringing me into this world' ." I ran out of the office. I was crying so hard I couldn't drive back to work. I didn't want to see anyone (I felt like a monster) so I pulled in the very back of a market parking lot and cried until there were no tears left!

Well, Rachel was born and she was perfect! She had Down Syndrome but she was then and always has been perfect! I didn't know that what that woman said to me was locked away inside of me. I didn't know I carried this awful burden. I didn't know.

Then, one afternoon, Rachel and I were driving home from the store. Rachel was about 15 years old, then. (a time when mothers and daughters don't always get along the best) I had home schooled Rachel most of her life but she had started going to high school the year before and was doing very well. Well, as we were driving along she said, "Thank you, mom. Thank you so much!" I thought she was thanking me for the book I had bought her and that she was overdoing the gratitude a little bit! So I said, "Oh, its o.k., honey, it was just a little book, you deserve it." Thats when she said, "Oh no, mom. I didn't mean that. I meant thank you for everything. Thank you for my life. Thank you for bringing me into this world. Thank you for making me so happy."

Well, of course, I burst in to tears and she was so worried. She started asking if she had hurt my feelings or done something wrong! So I pulled over and pulled her into my arms and I told her the story of the receptionist and what she had said to me so long ago. And I told her that she had just taken those awful words that that woman had said "And threw them right out the window" Rachel said. "Yes, right out the window.", I said.

A weight lifted off my shoulders that day that I had not even known I was carrying around. I will never know why Rachel came up with those absolutely perfect words that I didn't even know I needed to hear, I only know that I am so grateful that she did! Every day with her has been a gift but that one special day was my "lifetime achievement award" By the way, this has become Rachel's favorite story, too! She was pretty damn proud of herself for making her mom so happy!