New Life

We woke this morning to fresh snowfall, but that wasn't going to stop me. I'd known it was coming and so parked my car accordingly - on the small hill, facing downwards. At 6:45 I was sweeping the fresh snowfall off it and by 6:55 I was out of the village and heading off towards my sister. It's her 20 week scan today, and she's invited me to come along. This is all so new to me. You don't get scans when you adopt and having never been pregnant this is something I never got to do.

I got over my infertility years ago, but it's strange how it makes you become quite insular, I'd never for one moment thought about how my inability to become pregnant affects close friends and family. I knew how it affected me and my husband and maybe our feelings were too raw then to consider how this was digested and felt by those closest to us. Hence my sister asking my mum to tell me she was pregnant - not knowing how I'd react, and then again asking via my mum if I'd like to come to the scan - not knowing if I'd be upset at this.

I was aware my fertility was compromised long before the Consultant confirmed it. I wondered most about how it would affect my husband. Would he stay with me? Would he love me in spite of this? I didn't wonder how it would affect others.

Sat on the chair in between my sister and her partner, I watched in true amazement at the new life on the screen in front of me. I could hear the heart beat, I could see the baby with it's foot stuck in it's mouth. I shed a tear or two. It was the most incredible experience and one, if truth be told I am sad that I missed and I'm sad that my husband missed too. It must be an amazing feeling to experience the joy of feeling a new life start from within. I don't for one moment regret our decision not to try IVF and to adopt, though I do regret not knowing our children sooner. I wish they could have been part of our life from an earlier age.