Utterly Wretched

What else is there to say?

I felt worse this morning, and later on, there would be good reason to.

I went to work, and was having an ok morning. Then I made the mistake of checking my phone, to find that he had disappeared from my Facebook. It didn't take me long to realise he'd unfriended me/blocked me. My friend, my lover, whatever you want to call him. And I totally freaked out. My hands started shaking, the whooshing feelings in my chest that have also appeared down my arms and back, and then the tears began to fall.

I went straight out of the room, I didn't care that the children were left alone. My lovely friends quickly rallied to wipe my tears, but I was a complete mess.

I finally cracked. This has been the final straw in what has been a year of extreme highs and lows, which ultimately is no way you can lead your life. And I've known that for a long time. I've been stressed out, anxious, and ready to move heaven and earth whenever one person threw me a crumb, letting down others in the process. I didn't care. I've lived selfishly, and somewhat hedonistically, if that's possible. I've missed a few days of work with stress/anxiety, and I honestly don't know how I could go on like this. I've even started therapy two months ago, and started anti-anxiety meds to help. I've lost a lot of weight. Admittedly I had been trying, since last summer, but it had been accelerated whenever the lows came, and a few more pounds would melt away. And yet I was prepared to go on like this indefinitely. Because what's just happened was ultimately my worst fear realised. He can't hurt me anymore, and yet the mental, emotional and even physical pain has been unbearable. The powers that be have been worried about me, and surprisingly supportive. They didn't ask questions, they just said go home. The tears fell, and the walls came down. They saw me at my worst, it finally broke me.

I went home in despair. Curled up in my little bed in my childhood bedroom and tried to sleep the pain away. It lasted an hour, and then I was awake. I couldn't concentrate, and actually found myself doing what anxious people do- pacing up and down, unable to settle. Textbook.

Absoluteluy desolate. I had to do something, and I was counting the hours until I could go there and try to make him understand. I went home, made myself look beautiful, as I had cried most of my make-up off, and put my lovely dress on.

Just as I was leaving, a friend from work and her daughter stopped by unexpectedly, with a beautiful bunch of sunflowers, and a magazine. She didn't know very much about what happened, just heard I'd gone home. We stood and chatted for a bit. I was very thankful to have such lovely people around me.

And then I left on my mission.

* The picture was taken on Saturday, as I was getting ready for his party.