You'll Save Me

Dear Little B. What would I do without him?

The first official lie-in of the holidays, and I wake up yet again with that feeling of dread. I think it's fair to say that my way of coping is to block it out, and pretend it didn't happen, as the alternative is too painful to face.

I was ok, I got washed and dressed, did my few chores, and then parked at my mum's. My head swung wildly with plans " I could do this, I could go there, I could meet up with.."- I wish distraction worked.

It was quite nice at 6pm as my sister(s) came home, and dad, and we all hung out and had drinks in the conservatory in the sun. I haven't told any of them what's happened, but I'm sure my mum will filter them the bits they need to know.

My good friend texted me to see if I wanted to go swimming(!) in the river in Guildford. Umm, not really no. But I thought it might be good to go for the company. The problem is wherever I am I want to be somewhere else. I made an excuse, but he texted me back " do something every day that scares you". And he's right. I decided not to swim, but meet them for a drink afterwards.

But once I got there I realised it was a mistake. There was one girl that made me want to take my own life rather than listen to another word she said, and I couldn't really talk to my friend. He brought up DJing, and I think it was at that point I felt my eyes begin to well up with tears.

Fortunately they all had to leave after an hour, so I didn't have to make my excuses. I did apologise for not being very good company, and they said they understood. I sat in my car and called a friend, but she was out for dinner and couldn't talk. I felt utterly despairing.

I know it was never going to be a reality, but all the silly ideas in my head kept popping up. I felt so special when I was with him, and now I feel so alone in the world. Back to square one. Again. It's so nice to be protected in this world, even if it's through close friendship rather than anything more.

But he threw ours away. And it was very special to me.