A Week Later

And what do you know, I don't feel any better!

Seven days ago I never thought it could happen.

Over the last month or so, I haven't really been able to get into anything much on TV, box sets or anything, so I've been putting on "Dr. Phil" on youtube every morning. Kind of in the background as I'm getting ready in the morning. I feel like I've seen it all on there, from teen pregnancy, to people killing their parents/spouse/any person that's wronged them, drug taking, useless mom's, in-laws from hell, etc! But I actually find Dr. Phil very insightful, and I've taken on board some of the things that he's said.

The one that's hit home the most, is the phrase " what you fear, you create". I think all along I feared this would happen, and in the end it did. Did I cause it? Possibly. Maybe. I don't know.

I sure as hell don't know how to undo it. If I had one wish, that's what I would wish for, but the reality is it's done.

I made plans to meet up with one of our mutual friends this weekend, and we've decided on tomorrow. She let it slip that she's meeting up with him and some other friends tonight, and that made my chest whoosh again. I have to remind myself that even if this hadn't happened, I wouldn't have been invited, as it is really a "Dutch" gathering. I'm jealous. I'm jealous as they get to spend time with him and I don't. I'm jealous that he can forgive others but not me. I hate that. I hate that I haven't had the chance to talk about it, fight even, if that's what he wanted to. It hurts that it's all unfinished. I'm worried that what happened will come up in conversation- it's bound to. And that I'll be the bad guy. I think I caught him out and called him on it. And getting angry, and getting rid of me seemed the perfect time to kill two birds with one stone.

I just wish I hated him. It would make it easier I suppose. But I miss him.