When fear takes over

So i'm 28. I don't have my drivers licence. I have a huge fear- actually its probably a phobia - of driving.

I feel ashamed, i feel embarrassed. I feel like i'm a burden. I feel like when people say 'you should get your licence' its the same as telling someone with depression to ' get over it'. Its really just not that easy for me.

Today i thought maybe i can do it. Maybe i can conquer my fear and learn to drive again (i learnt in my teens but it didn't end greatly). As i looked at the AA's website about driver training, i started to feel panicky, i felt stressed, i felt i had to escape. I started crying, i felt agitated and i didn't know what to do.(i've had panic attacks in the past so i recognize that this was a small one).

I just cant. I'm not ready. I don't know when i'll feel ready. I'm terrified of driving. I don't like being in cars. I 'm a very nervous passenger. If i can avoid being in cars i will.

I don't want to drive my kids, i don't want there to be a chance that my actions of controlling a metal machine hurt my babies or someone else's.

Andre called me and calmed me down, he said that maybe people say i need to drive because they haven't been without a car so they don't know its not a necessity to live. Its true its not. Everything i need is in in the village around me and if i need to travel i bus or walk or last resort go in my mums car. There are plenty of places in the world where people may not have their licence because public transport is easier and if you live in a city like new york there's no room to have a car.

I know eventually i will learn to drive when i feel comfortable enough and maybe before that happens i'll need some kind of therapy to get over this fear. I know i do want to in my lifetime but right now this fear overrides that need to.

I get by perfectly without driving. My kids are not at any less of an advantage because i don't drive them here and there, if we want to do something as a family on the weekends then we might borrow mums car and Andre will drive (which i don't like )and we have applied to the lotteries commission for a grant to get a car but on a day to day basis for me its not a necessity. I apologize to those who its a burden on but i really am terrified. I apologize i don't have my licence but please bear with me.

I may appear collected and together but 50% of the time i'm not.

I have huge insecurities, i have huge anxiety issues, i have little self esteem. I have issues from my past not dealt with just blocked out. I did have a nervous breakdown at 15, i used to have a lot of panic attacks and still do occasionally. I don't always cope with things but its not my fault. And i work so hard to be a good person, a good mama and a good wife. I try to help people, i give to charities, i try give my family a good secure life but i have problems that i cant resolve on my own and its not just going to be fixed. My fear of driving is in the same pool. I know i have a problem and i want to get it sorted but i need to in my own time, not because someone thinks i should.

So this is my fear. This is my phobia and it takes hold of me regularly.