Gloom.

*bad language ahead*

Fuck people who are happy. Why is it that after all this time everybody is still explicitly happy in comparison to me. Fuck happy people, people with their love, and their enjoyable days filled by spending time with the people who go out of their way to make you happy, and you love it. Nobody goes out of their way to make me happy, and the ones that do it just doesn't WORK. I am so tired of the plague of 'mediocre' nothing I do is exciting or thrilling or even marginally interesting in comparison to the way everything used to be. I am a boring person with no aspirations, and those which I do carry feel like burdens. I feel like I am waiting on something to happen that never will and I don't even know what that may be. It's been such a long time since I've really looked forward to anything. I have lost nearly everything that mattered to me, my friends just haven't fucking bothered with me all summer, and i'm so tired of bothering with them because they don't give a shit. I am wasting away with boredom, and I am unhappy with my appearance and my life, the way I live it and the way nothing ever changes for the better. I am exhausted with being unhappy. I feel like I would rather be back to drowning in my misery, than this. This middle ground, where everything is dull and nothing. I would rather it was so earth shattering it rattled my bones and my soul, because at least then it would matter, somehow.You know? It would be more than just an emotional shrug of the shoulders. I want SOMETHING, to change my life. But it won't. It never fucking does i'm stuck this way. It's all well and good being reassured, but you stop responding or holding out hope after a year of absolutely fuck all. I absolutely hate my life, and I have ever since the light left it.