Mixed emotions

I had a really nice, relaxed evening with S and E last night. After 26 years of close friendship, I can be myself with S and darling E may be young but she is very gentle with me. For pudding, we ate the figs I picked from the young tree B gave me for Christmas two years ago with honey and ice cream. It meant a lot to me.

After some snap and chat I had my nails done by E and we watched a bit of Inbetweeners then I sat and talked at S, with my thoughts about B. How much she meant to me. What a special woman she was for having chosen to spend her life in our family. How she was my de facto mum. How outsiders often misunderstand just how pivotal a part of our family she was (so many say what a huge 'help' she'd been - they have NO idea). How proud I am of her and what she achieved and N and everything. It was good to be able to just talk about her. I still had a gripey tummy though. I left at 11.15pm.

Today, I found church first thing a great comfort. There was a christening, which was a good distraction and reminded me of the circle of life. People were kind.

I watched some rubbish telly then made some spag bog. P arrived with the girls. We left them at mine, knitting and fiddling while P and I went to swim at Woburn (having rung first to ensure they were open). The air was 17C and the water was 20C though it felt a bit colder when we first got in. I soon warmed up though and did plenty of lengths as P and I were the only ones in. It felt really good. The sun showed its face for all of five minutes....

When we got home, P, N and C arrived. They got back from Kenya yesterday and went straight to a wedding. They were both really sad and N and I had several long hugs. C and I had a couple of tearful hugs. I'm so sad for N but it is so good to see him. He means so much to me and he meant the absolute world to B. The absolute world.

It was good to sit together and eat together and remember and laugh and hold each other as the diminished family that we are. We joked about who is now the nuttiest family member now B has gone and who is to be the new matriarch - I might get one if not both honours, though I declared an inter regnum for now! Once again I am reminded how lucky we are to have had B and to have each other...

N said B wanted 'Spirit in the Sky' as the song for the committal of her body... so completely her!

They've gone now and I have just put together an Ikea lamp for my guest room. I need to make the room nice for A and P but I'll do the rest tomorrow.