Fear

Forgive me, for this is not a cheery blip. But then life isn't always either.

I spotted this on a dog walk through the cemetery beside Roxburghe House, the local cancer hospice. It illustrates perfectly the state of my head these days, preoccupied with thoughts of my sister as she spends her days in the hospice, struggling with infection after infection. Infections caused by the chemotherapy affecting her immune system. It wouldn't be so bad if it had worked, if there had been some improvement, but no. So it has stopped, halfway through her six sessions.

There is relief that she won't have to go through all of that again, since she has been so intolerant to the toxins being poured into her system that she has been very sick. But the fear and dread are all-consuming.

The past three days she hadn't eaten a thing. Each day she was paler and weaker. I really thought it was the beginning of the end, and I wasn't ready. Not at all ready. But today, she was sitting up, rosy-cheeked and asking for ice-poles. She had eaten a half-portion meal and even laughed a little as her boys and I shared stories with her. It's the first night in ages that I haven't sobbed upon getting into the car for home. A little hope - maybe a little more time yet. I just hope it's not too fast.

It's such a difficult thing, seeing someone I love so dearly going through absolute hell. I don't really talk about it, as people don't want to hear such depressing news, but sometimes I could just burst with needing to get it out, to talk about it. It doesn't change anything, it doesn't help her. But I need to be strong, for the days ahead. There are 4 boys to look after, and my brother-in-law too, who is crumbling by the day.

I don't know if I'm strong enough. But I have to be.