After the harvest

This view was taken near Warnham Manor as it is now known looking roughly NE up the hill over fields where I sometimes walk after work. It was rather dismal and grey for a time - rather the way I felt today.

Mum managed to lose her debit card and has had to get it cancelled and have a new one issued and various other things made for a unhappy day.

I am getting absolutely nowhere with Internet Dating. I have never yet manged to communicate with anyone - ever. I have joined for six months (3 months of this is free) one of the leading ones that advertise on TV. I have been on there for a while now unpaid and had over 150 views as they are called over an unknown length of time. Looking at these views was as always extremely depressing as 80% of them were a lot older than me with one of them being 68! Nobody had tried to contact me, regardless of age since I had actually become fully paid up. They cou;dn't have contacted me before I fully joined.

I've set a very realistic age range but my only crime is that I am not looking for anybody older than me and I don't want someone's second hand kids as part of a package! These are non-negotiable. An older person or one with kids will never be right and I know deep down that that is so. When you are 48 as I am and have never had a girlfriend in your life and have failed at every single attempt for the past 28 years, it does become incredibly depressing - and that is putting it extremely mildly. Nobody wants what they see as an old man and a boring one! It's very hard, if not impossible to try to get yourself across what and who you are. I have been punished all my life for being different and not running with the crowd (I still regularly am!!), and this is the ultimate price that's being paid for it. I could never be described as successful ever, I don't own my own home, I am paid a pittance in my job, I have crap qualifications that are meaningless, no obvious prospects or any thing that people "want". To most people I've done nothing!

What really upsets me the most is when you spot someone, they live not too far away, we both are in the right age range, you share some mutual interests and you email them with a perfectly pleasant email about something quite inocuous and they view you, but are so rude that they don't bother to answer. What can you do? This happens all the time!

I've tried every other avenue that's open to me before that I could do and was comfortable with over many years, and I have been through hell trying. I grew up in the 1980's at the wrong time when everybody smoked and nobody looked natural. Now the Internet is the only really viable way. It does work - I know quite a few people who have achieved what to me is impossible. Looking ahead, I can only see depression and loneliness and that's not a prospect that anyone should ever have to face. I really don't want that to happen.

Apologies for a very miserable entry.