Loved

Today is a day I hope I never forget. We sent B off in style and spent all day together in her honour and I've just got to bed at 12.45am.

This morning was just C and me at mine, eating double porridge for breakfast as we didn't know when we'd eat again and to ensure we had good energy for the day. I practised reading my poem to myself a few times and was happy I knew it.

We all congregated early in the car park at the Crem and milled about meeting and greeting for 40 minutes or so. It was really weird. I didn't know how to feel. I was really nervous, quite close to the edge but ok. There a good 100+ people in attendance. I was pleased eventually to be ushered in. There was a mix up with seating and my sister had to sit apart from the family with her husband which was not what we wanted and I ended up sitting apart on my own.

The service began. My friend who took the service was brilliant, though I know she struggled with her emotions at times as she knew B. I couldn't sing any of the hymns. When it came to my poem, I got up and stood at the lectern but just couldn't do it. Despite all the practising, I realised I was not going to be able to speak without dissolving into a total mess, so hastily scanned the front row for P who had said if I couldn't read it, he would. He finally got the message and came up. He held my hand and said that while the words were mine, I had written what each of us children felt about B. He read it for me, beautifully, and so much better than I would have done. I knew he'd been practising just in case. What a star. He was my own personal hero today and it made me appreciate him in a way I never have before.

Then my darling brother, N, B's only son spoke his eulogy. It was brilliant. Funny. Irreverent. Heartfelt. Poignant. He had us laughing and crying for 15 minutes. The 'f' word was spoken more than once as he quoted from my stepmum's own notes and letters as well as giving his own memories and tribute to her. He did not dissolve. He did her proud. It's weird to say it but I couldn't help thinking afterwards that she would have died of pride had she been there!Everyone afterwards said they'd never heard a better and more honest eulogy. I was so proud of my little brother. He was my second hero of the day.

Then came the committal and Norman Greenbaum's 'Spirit in the Sky' was played, though at rather too quiet a level to do it real justice! Finally, we left to the strains of Bob Marley's 'One Love', again far too quiet but I guess crematoriums only do respectful sound levels!

I met so many of B's friends, childhood friends, former colleagues all of whom loved the service and loved her more then she probably ever realised. I've no doubt that she was looking down, amazed but secretly pleased at the send off.

We retired to the Cock Hotel, showed loads of photos on a screen and spent the next 5 hours eating, drinking, talking, reminiscing and meeting people I didn't know as well as old acquaintances and spending time with the family. The atmosphere was brilliant. Mainly jolly and hugely uplifting in terms of the stories and memories shared. I've been asked to email my poem and to send M's eulogy to various people. What an honour.

Then as a family, eleven of us went to P's house and ordered a huge Indian takeaway which was fabulous. H arrived back from her UN conference in Istanbul and we feted her arrival. P lit a fire in the garden and we all sat outside (see blip of my three amazing brothers) continuing the memories and stories and being 'together', most people (not me!) getting slowly more drunk. It was a day and a memory I shall treasure and it, once again, reminds me how lucky I am to have the best family I could ever wish for. During the day I felt loved and accepted and looked after. I realised I am a central part of our clan. It felt good to be bound so strongly together in that way, even if occasionally others may have felt excluded by it.

N, C and I got home at about midnight to find L still up. He'd been to the funeral and the wake but then went back to work. We sat up for another hour talking about N and C's project in Kenya, before finally giving up and going to bed.

Goodnight Bang. I love you xx